The Virtual World, and A Bag=Reconnection!

So FB is a pretty cool thing, most of the time. I have been given the chance to reconnect with people that I haven't talk to in years. Actually building friendships with people that I was just acquaintances with.

My bags have also given me the chance to really get to know someone. I know, a bag building a friendship, seems crazy. It is true. Making a bag for a person really helps you get to know someone. You can tell a lot about a person through the fabric they choose! That and the 100 e-mails that go back and forth until the bag is finally finished.

I post most of my bag pictures on FB, so people can see what they are getting before I put them in the mail. I receive some awesome comments on the photos I post. Sometimes I receive a personal message in my inbox from people asking for a bag. Most of the requests come from fellow AF spouses but one time I got a request for a laptop bag from a nonmilitary friend. That request came from this cool chick......

Holly Ellis

Holly and I went to high school together and haven't talked since we graduated 14 years ago. We became "friends" on Facebook and started building a friendship through status updates! Holly is awesome. She currently lives in New York City......cool, huh? That is not the only cool thing about her. She is also an actor and a producer. She recently acted and co-produced a film that was selected for the Sundance Film Festival. 

This is the film!

Prior to the festival she had requested the laptop bag. I was pumped. 

Pumped because....

1. She is going to be a "big deal"

2. She is not a military spouse and is honored to carry a military uniform on her shoulder

3. My bag is going to Sundance and carried in New York City!

The main reason I said yes was not because of the above, but because I saw a chance to build a friendship. I have always thought Holly was cool. Through reading her posts on FB, I really felt like I was getting to know her. I knew we would be friends if we could ever meet up again. She is so care free and fun, I love that about her. She is unique and real and I am drawn to people with those traits. So I said, yes!

Let the bag planning begin!

First question, "what is your favorite color"?  For some reason I remember that Holly's favorite color was orange. I was right and also remembered a couple of other details about Holly that help make this bag easy to design. People change a lot in 14 years but some things stay the same. I am sure you don't stop liking certain things like, your favorite color and favorite animal! I am also unsure why I remember what Holly liked, but I did!

So I picked, what I thought was the perfect fabric for Holly!

I loved these prints! When I saw them on the bolt in the fabric store,

they screamed, "Holly". So I bought them and started sewing.

Holly had a unique request for a laptop bag. I had never done one before. I was very excited to come up with a new design. So I did some internet searching and came up with what I thought would make a great bag.

A padded holder for the laptop complete with side pleats for expansion 

and a velcro clasp to hold the computer in place.

A large handle that can be adjusted for over the shoulder wear 

or across the body wear. Two smaller handles when over the shoulder

wear isn't an option. Good in times when you need to quick grab and run!

Another detail I add to bags is a personal zipper charm. I try to make them unique to the person I am giving that bag to. This is the part I keep from the bag recipient. I want it to be a little treat for them, an unexpected surprise if you will! For some reason, I remembered that Holly loved pigs. Not sure how or why I remember that. I think it is because of the pig pajama pants she wore in first period English class our Junior year. 

So this charm seemed perfect. I loved this little pig!

I made Holly's bag out of one of Scott's flight suits. I included a card that had all the cool details of where Scott had wore this flight suit. What events had taken place while he wore it. Skipping details like trips to the bathroom and sharing details of places he traveled/deployed to while wearing it! I was honored that she would be carrying my hero's flight suit on her shoulder. I thought she would like to know a bit of history behind the uniform. I am so proud of everything Scott has done and was very proud to share that with a friend! 

Another cool detail about this bag is who the money went to. A while back another high school friend of ours posted an invite to a benefit. The benefit would help raise money for his wife that is battling cancer. So when Holly asked what she owed me, I said nothing is owed to me but thought it would be cool if she donated money to Travis and his wife. She did! I love that this whole thing involved the "Class Of 97"!!!!

So here it is, ready to be shipped to Utah!

The bag made it in time to attend the festival and the film did awesome! Since their Premiere at Sundance, they have premiered at several other festivals. One of them is in Atlanta in 2 weeks. I was very excited when I found this out, because I only live 3 hours from Atlanta. So, yesterday I purchased my tickets to see the movie and to see Holly!!! I am beyond excited to see her again, if only for a hour or so. I am so excited to see this movie and hopefully some other classmates of ours. 

Who would have thought the virtual world, and a bag would build a friendship! I love that I have had the opportunity to build this friendship. I can't wait to see what great things are in store for Holly! I am so thankful that I had an opportunity to make her a bag!!! It was worth every stitch!!!!

A Sweet Pile of FABULOUS!!!!

OK, so I have been reading my blogs, all of them. Talk about depressing....

Ready to write about happy!

I mean, why not? I am in fact very happy! Life is so incredibly great right now!

Like really, really great!

Ever since that fabulous day that they gave me a negative result, things have been WONDERFUL!!! I am not writing happy, I am still in deep thoughts mode. ENOUGH of that!

So here we go......Happy Blog Posts, start in 1......2.....3.........Start!!!!

Last week my awesome Post Lady came walking up to my front door holding this box. OK, so she didn't make it to the front door because some crazy lady came running out of my house to get the box before she reached the door.  

OK, so I am the crazy lady! In fact I stalked my poor mail lady for a couple of weeks, while I was waiting for this box of happy!

With trembling hands and my level of excitement so high I almost peed my pants, I opened the box......

OMG.....can you believe it. A whole box of amazing wonderful fabric. Top print by, Vera Bradley! Oh yeah, woohoo, alright....this is AWESOME!!! I couldn't wait to see what else this box held....

There was so much fabric I couldn't get it all in my picture!!! So I piled it up.....

Can you believe that pile of FABULOUS?!?! 

All of it from one person. One person, who is an awesome friend and thought I would use all of this. Dana sent this to me for inspiration, and to see what I would create with this awesome fabric.  She wants no money and when I offered to make her a flight suit bag, she felt bad thinking that I thought she had a ulterior motives behind sending this pile of fabulous. I knew she didn't. I knew she wasn't trying to weasel a bag out of me. I also know that if it takes me a year to make it, she won't care. So another bag is added to my list. Now to decided which fabric to use.....

Gracefully I look up, Thankful for a friend like Dana! She is an amazing person and I feel very blessed to call her my friend! 

Hoping Twice is Enough.....

God does all things to a man-

twice, even three times-

to turn his soul from the pit, 

that the light of life may shine on him.

Job 33:29-30

Remember how I said bible verses have been placed before me a lot lately? Remember, how I said that each one was very relevant to my situation? Also, remember how I said the timing of their appearance was perfect? Well, it happened again. Perfect verse at the perfect time!

I wondered after I was given great news, what would happen?  What would life bring? I was and still am on quite possibly the highest spiritual high I have ever been on. Life is so good and the smile on my face is staying around for a while! It is great to be out of the pit and having the light of life shine on me!

I did wonder if I would still find inspiring Bible verses. Do they only appear and seem inspiring when you are down? I was worried about that. The best part of my medical scare was the verses. 

So, last night I prayed. I prayed because I was wanting God to speak to me daily, even when things are great. Wanting verses to be placed before me that would keep me lifted up. Then this morning as I was doing my daily devotional it happened. The verse! 

Twice, even three times......

Well, this was twice for me. Twice I have been scared and turned to God. I knew during this past scare, there was a reason. I knew I had been walking steady in my faith. That instead of growing stronger, I was growing comfortable. So he dished it to me one more time! Thank you God for the reminder that I need to keep working and growing in my faith. 

I am thankful for this time. It gave me a new look on life. Reminded me that life is short, enjoy every moment. Take chances, smile lots, and love stronger. Celebrate happy things and pray about everything. 

An event was on the calender for this past weekend to celebrate. To celebrate as a family, that I am still a survivor!  We participated in the Walk of Life, an event sponsored by a local organization, Joy to Life which provides mammograms to low income women. I signed up as a survivor! This was the first event that I participated in as a "Survivor". I have signed up to support other events, but did not participate. So this was the first one where I put on my pink shirt and stood in a huge crowd as a "Survivor".

I was always hesitant to do this in the past. My cancer fight was not nearly as hard as many others. So, I had a bit of guilt for a while. I now know every survivor has a story, has a different type of fight and we are all unique. I feel that if I don't check that square, I may miss an opportunity to share my story and help save someone else from this crap. So I took a chance and checked survivor.

It was so great to be surrounded by my awesome family. Before, the race started we were asked to pray. To grab our neighbors hand and say a silent prayer. My neighbors were my kids and husband. The Brodeur 5 held hands in a circle and prayed. Tears filled my eyes, I wondered as Jameson and Scott squeezed my hand a little tighter at the exact same time what they were saying to God. I loved how Jillian said to me she prayed that she was happy I got the pink shirt. That Jess looked at me with the "I love you" eyes when the prayer was over. It was an awesome feeling as we walked under the pink water being sprayed out of the fire truck and celebrated our great news.

I wish we didn't have to be scared again. That because of my comfort, God had to scare me once again to remind me to keep growing. I know inside that it was what I needed, I just wish my family didn't have to have fear as well. So I promise to keep strong in my faith, to keep growing and reaching out to God during all times both good and bad, so my sweet family doesn't have to be scared a third time!



Gracefully I look up to God, thankful for the second time. That He provided me with the reminder to keep growing and not stay steady. I pray that two times is enough, that it doesn't take a third to get my attention again! 

Ahhhh Freak Out!!!!

This image is very familiar to me. 

Growing up in North Dakota, I saw my fair share of tornadoes. Yep, saw them. Not just heard about them, saw them. One time a tornado was right by our family vehicle when we were traveling home from Grandma's house.  Dad had to pull into a farmers garage for shelter. Did we know the guy.....Nope, didn't matter there was a tornado and he needed to protect us. So he didn't care if he knew him or not, it was what Dad needed to do. 

My dad freaks out when tornadoes are in the area. He takes it very seriously. When a tornado watch is in place, dad immediately makes us take cover. Looking out the windows to check the twister out is not an option. When I was younger my dad was an electrical line man, and worked outdoors enduring every weather condition North Dakota dished out. Summer time meant storm season, which meant tornadoes. He watched them jump from 50 miles away to right next to him. So he knew first hand how crazy tornadoes are and that standing outside watching one 50 miles away was just plain stupid in his mind. 

I use to make fun of my dad about how much he freaked out about the storms, in fact I still do from time to time. I guess until recently it was funny to me because we haven't faced tornado warnings since I became a mom. 

Until recently, we have lived in places where severe weather consisted of strong winds and that was about it. Nothing extreme but the heat. It has been nice, but has also made me forget how scary these twisters, or even the threat of them is. This fear came back this past December. The kids were at school and I was at home decorating for Christmas. Yep, decorating for Christmas, not exactly the time of year one would expect a tornado! The skies were crazy that morning and I had an unsettling feeling when our kiddos got on the bus. Around 10 am the sirens went off and the wind picked up. I had a feeling of panic rush through me. My kiddos were away and and a tornado was spotted in the area. I wanted them home with me where I could keep them safe, where I could help take their fears away. I had to trust my children's wonderful teachers to keep them safe. I was a bit freaked out......OK, a lot freaked out. That was the moment I understood why Dad freaked out. He wanted to keep us safe, protect us from everything and take our fears away. I couldn't do that.  So I prayed that my kiddos would stay safe and unafraid. They did and I was very thankful when they were finally home and never wanted to be in that situation again. 

Today my fear and freaking out is back because we are in that situation again. We have had a tornado watch once a week for the last 4 weeks.  So having another one this week doesn't upset me, until the weather man says things like, "this is going to be history making weather",  and "we will be talking about this day for years to come because of the amount of tornados expected ".  Unsettling statements to say the least.  The tornado threats are starting right now and will continue until 4 am. It is not like it is one storm passing through, it is several over a long period of time.  The school decided to let out early so kids would be home safe before the storms hit. Good deal, right? They will be home were I can protect them. Scott is on his way home and kids are.......oh wait only 2 of my kids are home. Jessie is in Atlanta, yep a state away from us on a field trip. She is on the bus right now heading home. On a bus traveling in the storms path.....not my idea of a safe place. My freak out level is high. She is texted me with updates, completely oblivious as to what is going on and confused why I am wanted updates every minute. She is acting just like I did when my dad freaked out! 

So, here I sit trying to not freak out and watching the news hearing about the tornado sightings praying that they don't come near us. If the tornadoes hit our area, I pray my daughter is under our roof not on a bus....

I have loved living in North Dakota and Alabama, but after today I am ready to head back to No Tornadoville! I will take extreme heat over and high winds over tornados any day. 

The Perfect 10!!!!

This guy picked me, he chose me, and he loves me like no one has ever loved me!

Today marks one decade of a life together. An amazing, crazy life together. We have been on a ride that would make the scariest ride at Disney World look like a kiddie ride. It has been unbelievable at times. From deployments, to moves across the country multiple times, to cancer we have done it all. All the good and not so good times have made our marriage amazingly strong. It is almost like a fairy tale and I LOVE it! Our marriage today is so good it looks fake to many people. 

Our secret.....

Honesty

Love

Friendship

and Christ!!!

Scott is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When I say he is my best friend, I mean it. He is truly my best friend. We do everything together and I love it that way. He is all I need....He completes me!


It might also be this great because he....

Cooks all the meals
Does most of the laundry
Cleans the house when I need him to


Yep, he is that great!!!

Even though the military has decided I am now entitled to half of his earnings if something better comes along.....I think I will keep him because he is worth way more than half his earnings!!! He is priceless!!!

So here is to a lifetime together! May the next 10 be as amazing and crazy as the first 10!!!!

The Rest is Still Unwritten....

Before me sits a journal. Brand new, and filled with blank white fresh pages. As I open it, I bring it close to my face and inhale. Ahhhhh, new and fresh, clean and crisp.

With a pen in my hand and the ending unplanned, a new chapter begins, and the rest is still unwritten.....



Lyrics from one of my favorite songs describe exactly how I feel.....

I am unwritten

Can't read my mind

I'm undefined

I'm just beginning

The pen's in my hand

Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh

I break tradition

Sometimes my tries

Are outside the lines

We've been conditioned

To not make mistakes

But I can't live that way, no

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

To the years where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

To the years where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

To the years where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

To the years where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

I AM A SURVIVOR!!!

The Lord will fight for you;

 you only need to be still

Ex 14:14

I was still and I let God fight for me. Today I can proudly say.....I AM STILL A SURVIVOR!!!! My cancer is not back. I do not have to fight again. My lump is a cyst and is not infected with cancer. I am free of the yuck, free of the fear, free of the anger and full of happiness and joy. 

Prayers were answered today. News is good today. Life is amazing always. 

This journey was a tough one. I traveled it like I have never done before. I had read this verse when all of this started. I kept it close to my heart the whole time. This was a very long process and it took everything for me to just be still. To not freak out and strangle the base medical personal. From tests being lost, to results not given upon arrival, it was hard to just be still.

I was tested to the last minute, and I stayed still, knowing God was fighting for me. Yesterday, seemed long. This morning my phone did not ring when it was suppose to. Jillian had an appointment this morning so after her appointment we stopped by my Doctor's office. We waited for what seemed to be forever. The nurse came out, sat down and asked if I had heard from radiology. I hadn't. She said that they were suppose to call me because I needed more testing. What???? When did they know that? What tests do they need done and why? So down to radiology we went. Jillian's patience are wearing down as are mine. I calmly went to the radiology counter and asked about my tests and what further testing they need. Long story short, there was a mix up. They wanted more ultrasounds done on my ovary. Those tests were taken care of last week off base, so no lack of communication held up my results. When I calmly explained to them what I was there for, (the mammogram), they looked confused. One of the questions I heard them ask each other was, "Is that the one we are still waiting on?" My response, "it better not be, I have waited over a month for this". Stillness was leaving me. I could feel my face turn red and my hands shake. I was not in the mood to be still. I believe that is when I gripped the desk and to myself said, "Fight for me"!

He did! After some more waiting and watching people scurry around to figure out what was going on. I was handed a letter and asked, " Have you not received this yet?" Ahhhh, nope, sure haven't. The letter, dated March 10, 2011 states that mammogram is normal!!!!! Yep, a month ago they knew and didn't tell me. Why? Yep, not sure! Don't really care, because it is normal and I do not have cancer. 

I was still, I remained calm most of the time, and I let God fight for me. Your prayers and mine were answered today and I am cancer free!!! Happy, loved, positive, excited, fearless, amazed, blessed, and every other happy word you can think of is what I am right now. I am on top of the world. 

Thank you everyone for your support during this amazingly crazy journey. Thank you for you love, prayers and kindness. Words will never be able to express the love I have for all of my amazing true friends. Your light shined so bright. All of you are why I stayed still, you helped me more than you will ever know! I only wish you were all close because, I see a party with lots of pink in our future! This is a cause for a celebration!!!!! 

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed,

miracles that cannot be counted

Job 5:12-14

Gracefully I look up, to you God....Thank you, thank you, thank you!! Thank you for fighting for me. For teaching me to just be still and let you do the fighting. Your love is amazing. My faith in you is stronger than ever, my love for you is deeper than I could have ever imagined it to be. I am so very thankful for today and the love you have given me. The miracle that we are able to celebrate again. Thank you for letting me stay a survivor!!!

Patience isn't a Word in my Vocabulary....

Being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might 

so that you may have great endurance and patience

Colossians 1:11

So, I am not the most patient person in the world. 

Waiting in long lines...hate it!

Slow drivers....drive me CRAZY

Waiting for just about anything....well, let's face it...I can't handle it. 

I am not patient at all!!!

The last time I was diagnosed with cancer, it took the Doctors close to a year to give me a definitive answer. It wore me out. It was beyond frustrating. The whole process would make a normal person's head spin. So over a month ago, when the lump was discovered I was prepared to wait. Wait for answers, wait for doctor's appointments, just wait for whatever. 

They say you learn from your past. That you can learn a lesson from all experiences. Well, I believe I did. I believe, I learned to develop a certain level of patience when it comes to cancer and the Military medical system. In fact my patience has even surprised me from time to time over the last month and a half! 

God's power has given me a great level of patience during this whole ordeal. I am trying so hard to stay calm. To wait without anger. To trust that the time it is taking to know something, is the time needed to know exactly what is wrong. NO MISTAKES. 

Well, yesterday I think my high level of calmness left when they told me the results were in. I thought for sure I would have received a call by now. I haven't. I have checked my phone more times today, than I think I have ever checked it. I don't want to wait 48 hours. I wanted to know this morning. 

Why hasn't that nurse called?

Doesn't she know I am going crazy?

What if she were me?

Come on lady, pick up the stupid phone and call my flipping number. Why aren't you calling me?

Do you know something you don't want to tell me?

Did you lose my results?

LET ME KNOW SOMETHING!!!! ANYTHING!!!!

OK, now you know how I really feel. I am going crazy. I have run out of patience!!! 

Although, I am ready to know, I was very thankful for what today did bring. Today went exactly how I needed it to go.  Scott stayed home on his "reading" day and spent the day with me. We went on two great walks and organized three closets. The weather was amazing and our time together was awesome. It helped pass time in a great way. Scott being home and some lovely coconut creme filled dove chocolates helped me not go postal! Not go crazy at the base clinic. 

Tomorrow will be different. I will wait again. 48 hours will be up at 11am. Not sure if this is good or bad, but I will be out at the clinic at that time. Jillian has an appointment and I may just swing by and see what they know. Maybe, if they see my face. See my fear and anger they will give me answers. 

To get through this, I will look to the above verse. Trust in God's power and know that He has given me the endurance and patience to get me to this point and will continue to give me what I need. I waited almost a whole year last time, what is another 24 hours.....right????

Fighter or Survivor....in 48 hours or less I will know!

A month ago I received a letter saying, in one month I would know something. Negative or positive, survivor or fighter, either way I would know something. Last Friday was a month and no phone call. So Monday came and no phone call. Tuesday came and I called. Not waiting on them anymore!!! I need to know something, anything. So I called and the receptionist answered. Just a little side info for my non military friends, when you call the base clinic for anything you will not be transfered to a nurse. Instead you will be told that they have up to 48 hours to respond. I gave them a month, but knew that would be the response. So I sweet talked the kind person on the other end of the phone. Told her my sob story and asked her if she could hook me up.

She hooked me up as much as she could. Probably told me more then she was suppose to. She said she would put "urgent" on my message, which could make the Dr call me back faster. Awesome! Then I asked her if she could see if they were in. With hesitation in her voice she said, "hold on one second". She looked and then said, "YES, the results are in". That is good enough for me for now. 

In 48 hours or less I will either be a......

Or a..... 

I am on my knees, thankful that the answers are out there. In 48 hours or less I will know something!!! 

I am faithful that God will provide me with the strength to handle whatever the result is. I am thankful that I will finally know something and I am ready to face anything. 

Perfect Race with a Perfect Partner!

Last week was tough. It was real tough. It involved a lot of tears and sadness. With that came fear and anger. I expect to have these weeks until I get results. In fact, even after the results are revealed to me, I expect to have lots of times in my life like last week. It is life after all, and not every day is going to be filled with rainbows and butterflies. To get through last week I did some reading, picked up the good book and looked for something uplifting. As I opened the Bible I remembered a wise man recommend I read the Book of Job. That wise man is my Dad. Yep, he was right. That was exactly what I needed to read. My Dad is pretty much a rock star!!! He knows lots, and still gives me lots of advice. For the most part, it is the perfect advice. So I read, and the Book of Job is exactly what I needed to read. It gave me insight as to what is going on with me and why. Thanks Dad!!!

Reading the bible, crying my eyes out and venting via blog, helped me clear my head and refocus a bit. My venting brought a ton of great uplifting e-mails from my really good friends. People that get me, that know exactly what I need to hear. The bible, good friends, an awesome family, and a trip to look forward to made everything good again. Tears dried up and I smiled again.

I smiled because I had all of the above and another race with Scott to look forward to.  A couple of months ago, I signed Scott and I up for another half marathon. That race was this past weekend. A trip away was exactly what we needed. Funny, how these races seem to come at the most perfect times. Gives us time away to refresh and recharge. So we packed and off we went to Lynchburg, TN. Home to the Jack Daniels Whiskey Distillery.

13.1 miles gives you time to think things through, clear your head. Running side by side with Scott gives us time to talk without interruption. He has an amazing way of building me up and pushing me along. I am the whiner when it comes to running. You will never know if Scott is aching because he doesn't say a word. Just listens to me whine and says the right things to keep me going. He is the best running partner ever.

This race was perfect. We went into it knowing that we would enjoy our time together and not worry about the time on the clock. I knew that was the plan, but for whatever reason, I couldn't just relax and enjoy the race. Scott saw that, and he changed that. I am not sure how he knew I was worried about it, but he did. I have a problem with worrying about what others think. I can't seem to just do these races for me. Scott, said just that and he was right. Who am I doing this for, why I am I running this race? He fixed me!!!! I realized at mile 3 this is our race, our time, and what we needed.

Every mile after that was incredible, amazing, awesome, and perfect. The scenery was breath taking. Babbling brooks, horses running with their colts, wild flowers in bloom, and not a car in sight. The runners were spaced out perfectly so it felt like it was just Scott and I. 13.1 miles of amazing! We laughed a lot on this course and had a great time. We walked when we felt like walking, which was a lot, this course had a ton of enormously large hills!! Ran when we felt like running and enjoyed every treat they offered at every water station. We made this our race and I loved that.

I love Scott so very much!!! He is amazing to me at all times. Running through the finish line and hearing the announcer calling our names out, brought tears to my eyes. It does every time, because the announcer always pauses when he realizes that we have the same last name, that we are together. It always starts with, "here comes Scott Bro......."and then, the pause and he says it again, "here comes Scott and Tara Brodeur from Prattville, AL. That is how it will always be, the two of us together and I love that. He will never leave me in the dust no matter what. Scott is with me every mile no matter how hilly they get. No matter how whiney I am. Scott also steps back one step at every finish line so I come in ahead of him!!!! He will always put me first!

So two more medals are added to the pile. We have cleared our heads and will face anything God puts in our path together. We will run every mile together and finish with medals around our necks at the end.

Things got bad and now things are good again. Thanks to a wonderful husband, great friends and an awesome family I can run any race no matter how hilly it gets!



Gracefully, I look up to you, God thankful for putting perfect people in my life. People that help me when times are tough, that lift me up instead of bringing me down. You have placed the most amazing people in my life and they shine brighter then any light I have ever seen when it is so dark in my world.

Sometimes it is too dark......

Picture it....You are in a dark room with no light, 4 walls surrounding you, one wall has the door. This door leads you out of this dark room. You can't find the knob to open that door. Every now and then you see some light coming out of a crack and this leads you to the way out. Before you are able to find the door knob to open the door, the light goes out. For a minute your feel free, life is good, you are getting out of the dark room. Then that minute is gone and you are stuck in the dark room searching for a way out again. That is what my life feels like right now.

I feel very blessed all of the time. I am faithful in the fact that God is giving me these challenges to test my faith. I know that I am passing the tests, because I am putting my trust in him. All that being said, I WANT OUT OF THIS ROOM!!!! I am done. Last night, I cried, and cried, and cried some more.

The last couple of months have been a roller coaster. I really wish all I had on my plate was the whole cancer thing. Frankly, I feel like that is enough! Remember, how I said I wish I could bottle up the happiness I had last week and keep it forever. Well, as I sit here, I pray so hard that the happiness and joy will come back. It seems like every step forward has given me 4 steps back. Maybe, if the cancer thing wasn't there all the things that are happening wouldn't seem so bad.

Maybe Jillian getting head lice twice, notice of a move to CA, news that our dog may not make the move, and life just happening wouldn't seem so bad. They wouldn't be the things that turn that light off. Maybe, if I just had life happening yesterday wouldn't have made me cry so much that Jillian told me she was glad I hadn't cried in the morning.

Well yesterday happened and yesterday was the straw that broke the camels back. My sweet Jessie got 3 days of in school suspension. Yep, you read that right...my straight A, wonderful 13 year old got ISS. Bet you want to know why? Bet you are saying right now, "that will never happen to my child". Bet some of you are judging my skills as a parent. That is my fear, that I am being judge by this.  Maybe, if this was the only thing on my plate I wouldn't be over thinking this. I wouldn't care what people might think or say because I could be strong enough to face the "perfect" people of this world.  I am sick to my stomach over it. Sick that my sweet girl is sitting in a room with other trouble makers, being judged. Looked at like she is one of "those kids". She opened up her phone in the car rider line and took a picture after the last bell of the day had rung. A rule is a rule and she broke it so she is being punished. It was hard to hear your child is in trouble when ever other time you have been to the school all you hear is praises about how awesome she is.

So yesterday, I cried. I was hurt that my daughter lied to me, hurt that she would face 3 days of ISS, and hurt that she acted like a silly 13 year old. I love Jessie more then she will ever know. She isn't one to hug, and that hurts because I want to hug her every day. She really isn't one to say I love you and I need that from her. I need her to say, "Mama,  I love you" and give me a giant hug. She won't and that hurts.  I want a hug, some love and then maybe all of this wouldn't feel so bad.

I am ready for this chapter of my life to be over. I am ready to move forward. To not cry anymore. To not be afraid. To not have the little things seem so big because of the big thing on my plate. I want just the little things back. One at a time. I want the door to open and to be lead to the room filled with light.

I am beyond bless with my life and it could be so much worse. I know that and am happy about that but, today I am in a pit. If my phone could just ring and the Doctor could give me my stupid mammo result, I could breath again and face stupid things like a child is ISS without over thinking anything!!!!



Gracefully, I look up and ask God, to please get me out of here. Give me my life back. Make things bright again. I am sad, scared and hurt. Give my Jessie reason to hug me, let her love me as deep as I love her. Make it all go away. My faith in you is beyond strong. I know you will make it all better, but I am running out of steam.