Wind, Rain, and Tornado Watches....OH MY!

The race....perfect location, perfect course, great swag, awesome t-shirt, and a Vera Bradley bag. Sounds perfect and great....

Still praying it is going to be. So far, I am sitting in the middle of a storm....literally this time! Listening the the thunder and rain as I type. Forecast for tomorrow.....10% chance of rain, happy about that. Wind, 17mph not happy about that!

We did get to walk on the beach. The waves were majestic looking as they crashed onto the white sand. I love the ocean. The sand here is like sugar. It is amazing. The water crystal clear, it is paradise. Even with wind and thunderstorms it is still paradise. That is kind of how I picture my life right now....even though there is wind and large storms brewing it is still....PARADISE!

Seaside....simply amazing. My rainbow is here....a future that I want to plan is here. This is where I dream of growing old. I can picture Scott and I on our beach cruisers riding down to the local market to pick up a picnic lunch for our day at the beach. Spending mornings sitting on our porch drinking coffee listening to the waves crashing. Going for runs on the same course we ran in our younger days. This is our dream. We talk about this dream all the time. I pray our dream comes true.

I dream of growing old with Scott. With no lumps and no illness. I pray that this storm will pass and we will have that future. Scott is amazing. He is everything to me. I am so blessed to have him as my husband, best friend and lover. He makes me laugh when I want to cry, he makes me strong when I feel my weakest. With him I am everything, I am complete.

Tomorrow, he will run MY pace. He will carry the phone, make sure we have the right hydration items, pack up our power gels, and make sure I have all the things to make this race perfect. At the end of the race he will grab my hand and we will go through the finish line together again.

No matter what the race, Scott will always grab my hand and we will go through the finish line together. Tomorrow will be perfect even if the weather isn't, because Scott is by my side.

Gracefully I look up and thank God for placing such an amazing man in my life. I pray for another awesome race, and a possibility of many more in my future with my best friend by my side always!





Thank you Scott, for never letting me cross a finish line alone. For fighting every fight with me, for being my everything. You are my strength, always. I am a better and stronger person because of you. Thank you for always taking care of me. I love you with all of my heart!

What I know and don't know....

Here is how it went.....

Walk into the office, did my vital signs.....blood pressure was down. Amazing, my blood pressure medicine is working. So we are off to a good start!!! Dr has me come into another room, I sit down and she wants to exchange greetings....How ya feeling, etc Only, I am really not interested in wasting any more time just like you aren't interested in reading forever before I get to the point! So, I said exactly that, let's get to the point. What is going on???

Well in a nut shell....I don't really know. Nothing is solid at this point. Here is what I do know.....

1. There is still a cyst on my left ovary (sorry, I put the wrong ovary in my last blog) It is 7cm and grows to 20cm in size. It has change shape and consistency. So, it requires another look and a specialist. A specialist being a OB/GYN

2. There is a lump on my breast and it also requires another look. So she ordered an ultrasound for now. An ultrasound to include a biopsy is probably in my future. 

I saw a Physician's assistant so all she was able to do at this point is put in referrals to specialists. This is turning into a multiple step process. We disgust some options for my plan of care and it looks like this...

1. Possible treatment with tomoxifen. Even if cancer is not present it could stop the growths from growing. A treatment I should have probably received the first time around. If cancer is present, a whole new plan will be put into place.

2. Removal of my left ovary. This one is a going to be a difficult decision for us to make. This will mean I will be put into menopause immediately. It also means another surgery, which will make it my 4th in 4 years. I can not treat menopausal symptoms with Hormone Replacement Therapy, because I had a blood clot in my lung in 2002. (Yep, I am a medical mess) 

So to put it all together, the plan is blood work to check if cancer is present, more ultrasounds, and visits with specialist to make the final plan and get the results and answers......hopefully!

How do I feel? Not what I was hoping to feel, to be perfectly honest. I was praying I would walk in they would say the cyst looks exactly like it did in October and the mammogram was clear. I was not told any of that. I wasn't told the mammogram wasn't clear, I was just told that the findings require more tests.  I was told the cyst doesn't look the same and you need it to be further looked at. All these things scare the....to be frankly honest, CRAP RIGHT OUT OF ME!!!! I feel like a little kid lost in a dark forest, confused, and scared and LOST! 

I sit at my sewing machine wanting to sew, but I can't. It is my distraction but I can't even thread my machine. My scissors sit next to me and I try to cut a flight suit, but I made a wrong cut. I want to be distracted by doing something I love and it isn't happening. It makes me incredibly angry. 

So what to do. What does my future hold, I am not exactly sure, it is completely out of my control. I feel like I can't control what is in my control. If that makes any sense? 

What I do know, is in a couple of hours 3 smiling faces are going to walk in the door. Excited about their day and are going to be eager about packing their bags because we are heading to Florida!!! A trip we planned months ago....timing is perfect. We are going to our favorite hotel, going to walk on the white sand and on Sunday, Scott and I will run the Seaside Half Marathon. After the race, we are going to have lunch with the most amazing people that God placed into our lives at a perfect time. I get to meet there sweet kids and catch up on all the happy things in their lives. So I get to escape for a minute and that makes me smile!

With tears in my eyes and confusion surrounding me I am still holding on to my God. A God that got me through this before and will do it again. I am thankful for all the support from all of you! It is helping me get through this. I wish I had more answers to give.

This just has to be said again!

Wow, truly wow. Tears are overflowing my eyes, again. Tears of happiness. I am beyond overwhelmed by all of friends and family today.

Heaven is hearing my name so much right now.......THANK YOU!!!!! Text messages, phone calls, e-mails, wall posts, even gifts of encouragement and love. I have never in my whole life experienced support from so many people. I guess social networking isn't always so bad.

I am now able to walk into this Dr appointment with a confidence. Whatever the outcome, I will face it head on. I know I will not be alone in the this battle. Because, before the battle has even begun, my army has formed.

Thank you all again for everything. You have replaced my fear with happiness this morning! I will keep you all posted!


Gracefully looking up......

Consumed....

So, my status on Facebook read, "shorter post today....looking forward to telling the story of Bag #3 later this evening". Well it's later in the evening and here I sit on my computer. Trying to type the story of bag 3 and I can't seem to tell it the way it needs to be told. I can't tell the story because I am consumed with my current issues. It is frustrating. I am normally a very positive person. I usually have nothing but uplifting and happy things to write about, talk about, and share with everyone. For instance, Jillian.....I got to see her do her floor routine to music for the first time today. She performed it with perfection, she was so excited she almost cried. For and instant, I smiled and had a happy feeling inside.....then that sharp pain on my left side kicked in and I remembered.....

Tomorrow is my appointment. They may have all my test results in. They may have all the answers to all my questions. I may not like the answers. Tomorrow, I could be told to put my boxing gloves on again because it is time to fight. Or, I could go in there and they could tell me about my ovary and still not know anything about my lump on my breast.

So my mind isn't where I want it to be. It isn't able to tell the amazing stories behind my bags. It isn't allowing me to sit and create some cute St. Patty's decor for our house, decor that I have studied on so many cute blogs. My mind isn't able to just let it go. I am letting it go on the outside but dying on the inside....

I want my positive, happy, creative self back. I am sick of being consumed with this. I want people to see me that way again and not what I am right now. I want my blog to be what I planned on it being. A place where people would be inspired and/or entertained.

So tomorrow, I pray all results are good. I am Gracefully looking up with my hands raised, desperately asking for "me" back no matter what those tests say. Consume me from the inside out....

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out"

-hillsong

:):):)

I have turned to this song a few times this week. It is my favorite and brings a new meaning to me every time I hear it. It conforms to whatever shape my life is in. 

Comfort from a quote

The God of all compassion knows your complicated situation as well as your aching heart, and He is at work in both for your good.

Just read this quote by Beth Moore....brings me a great deal of comfort today!

So Perfect.....

For without cause they have hidden your net for me in a pit,

Which they have dug without cause for my life.....

My soul shall be joyful in the Lord;

It shall rejoice in His salvation  

Psalm 35:7,9 

A pit, a dark place no one wants to be in. A place that is dark and cold, but you can see a glimmer of light. Even though that light is small, it shines brighter then any light. You find yourself reaching for it and grabbing for that net to pull you out. The net, you have all placed in my pit without cause. Your e-mails and wall posts have provided the bright light and lifted me out of my pit so many times this past week. I can not put into words how much every word means to me. I have never felt so blessed by so many. Your timing of your messages is perfect. Without you knowing, they have come at times when I am scared, or sad, or overwhelmed. 

Today, for example....timing was PERFECT!!!

In the mornings, I have a new routine. A routine that Scott and I discussed together over our many long runs well before I had even stepped foot in the Dr office. Just so happened the title and blog postings started after my Dr appt. So my new routine is this and will stay this for as long as it fits into my everyday life.....take Jess to school, come home, read my devotional, journal my thoughts, pray, then blog. Sometimes, I fit a little time in there to check facebook. I know, it doesn't fit into my spiritual routine but today it did, so I felt that is a sign that I was suppose to check it before I started my devotional today!


So now you know my routine, let me fill you in on why your timing was perfect today.....

I was driving Jess to school, and Pink was on the radio. Her new song!!!! I personally can't think of a better start to my morning. Hearing her song play while Jess and I belt it out along with her makes me smile every time!!! As we are singing my phone rings, insert the sound of "So What" as my ring tone here.....I was a little upset that someone had the nerve to call my phone 1. during a Pink Song and 2. while I am in the car pool line. Come on people, you should be listening to the radio and know that the song will be over as I leave the carpool line! Anyway, I answer it and it is the nurse.

Thoughts go through my head as she says to me, " This is Major so and so's nurse, (sorry, forgot the Major's name), and she wants to see you on Friday. A pit enters my stomach and I suddenly can't drive, so I ask her if I can please call her back in 2 minutes, I need to drop my daughter off. Not quite the way I wanted to drop Jessie off, but some things are out of my control. So I drop her off, she gives me the big, it is going to be OK Mom, smile and an I love you and is off to school. I pulled over and called the nurse back.

She answers and I am trying to not cry. After exchanging greetings I get right to my 20 questions....
1. Why does she want to see me?
2. Are the results in?
3. What are they?
4. Why can't she tell me what they found before the appointment?
5. Can she see me right now, instead of Friday?

OK, so not quite 20 questions and maybe I only asked 2 out loud but was thinking of 100 in my head. So here are her answers.....

1. She wants to see you concerning your radiology work
2. I don't know what they found, I didn't read the report.

I reply with,

1. Could you please tell me if this is for the mammogram or the ultrasound findings or both?
2. I am a bit scared, (insert tears filling my eyes and the sound of a shaking voice....here) with my past I would like to know something before I see her I Friday so I am not freaking out for the next 2 days.

Kindly she says, let me look at the chart....
1. Mammogram has not been read yet
2. Ultrasound result, unclear of the findings you will have to discuss that with the Dr.

(I did ask why the mammogram hadn't been read yet, but the ultrasound had and she said I was barking up the wrong tree. Not sure that I was barking, just asking. I thought a radiologist read both....guess not!)

Fine with me. Fear left me, I am good with the unknown for now. I know I have a cyst on my ovary and I am not afraid of that. I also know this is a new Dr and she is all over everything, and may not be aware of the fact that this sucker has been there for over a year now. I am actually thinking of naming it since it has become another body part of mine. Pretty sure my right ovary, the only one I have left, is making up for loosing its left sided friend!

So I hang up, relieved a bit and drive home, park the car and come in the house. Open my computer and there in front of me is 3 notifications and 5 unread e-mails. All perfect and kind and full of so much love....Like I said, your timing is PERFECT!!!!!!

So again thank you for your words and perfect timing. For providing me with a net to get out of my pit and go to the light that is so bright because of all of you!!!! I love you all so much!!!

I am Gracefully looking up today thanking God, for the light that is all of you, the light that brings brightness in my pit and net that is pulling me out.....

*Here is a taste of the e-mails I have been receiving.....

In The Shadow of His Wings

I cry out to you O Lord for your mercy in this day
My knees give way from fasting my body is thin and scrawny
I am an object of scorn to my accusers
I am stumbling and falling and feel Iike giving in
Help me O Lord save me in accordance with your love
Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me,
For in you my soul takes refuge.
I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until this disaster has passed
I cried out to God Most High to God who fulfills His purpose for me
They may curse, but you will bless
Rebuking those who hotly pursue me
You send from heaven and saved me
You sent your love and your faithfulness
To give me rest and peace at last
The battle has been won
But not by me but by the one Most High who I found refuge in the shadow of His wings He hid me.
Author:
Lynn Driskell

Love you!!

I have been told that I have a keen eye for detail, I have also been told I am very detailed. I find that these are in fact true statements most of the time. From the details of people's words, to art and nature, to the detailing of my bags. I love all of them. I study things that I love with great detail.  Today, I think of the radiologist and the mammogram specialist and hope that they have a keen eye for detail, as they study my films. The details will eventually be results. A detail I want to think less about.....

To do that, I found myself thinking of yesterday and the details that surrounded it! I finished a bag yesterday and like I said before each bag has a story. This one is no exception.

In January I made a bag for someone as a birthday gift. She posted a picture of the bag on her Facebook. The picture received several kind comments. A couple of people asked where they could get one, but one person drew my attention more then the others. So I e-mailed her privately, letting her know that I would love to make a bag for her. The response she gave me was so great. She was so excited that I said I would do it. A detail from her e-mail sticks out, a line saying," I am doing a, I'm getting a bag made by Tara, happy dance"!!! This made me laugh and made me feel happy that I decided to make her a bag.

I have a process with my bag making. I really want every detail to be perfect. So I e-mail the person that I am making the bag for, a list of questions. I first ask them to look through my photos and pick a design they like. I then ask them what colors and prints they like. From those answers my creative wheels start to turn.

The detail work on the bags is probably my favorite part of the bags. I spend a lot of time making each one just right. From the jets I applique, to the hand stitching, to the zipper charms. Here are some pictures of the details from my last bag......

F-15

Another detail of my bag making I enjoy is, finishing the bag and sending the recipient and e-mail telling them their bag is done!!!! The replies from these e-mails always make me smile. They are often filled with words of how excited they are to receive their bag and can't wait for it to come in the mail. Yesterdays e-mail was no exception.....again, I have to quote her words because it was just too funny. The first line of the e-mail read, " Giddy as in squealing like a greased pig at the state fair G-I-D-D-Y! about the bag! How can you not laugh when you read that?!! Then I read on, her e-mail had so many details, an awesome quote, kind works of encouragement, and a request for two more bags....

 The bags would be gifts for a dear friend of hers, who was widowed 3 years ago and her college age daughter as a graduation gift. After reading the details describing her friend, my emotions changed.  3 years ago a wife lost her husband, her lover, and her best friend. I can not began to imagine life without Scott. I know every detail of him, his laugh, the sound of his voice, his habits, what he likes, what he dislikes. I know the coloring of his hair, the scars that he has on his body. The way he smells, to the way he likes his coffee. I cherish every detail that makes him mine. I know this wife  knew every detail of her husband as well. Now, she looks in a closet and sees flight suits hanging and until yesterday didn't know what to do with them. I am honored that they chose me to make them a bag. I promise to make every detail perfect and I pray that the bag will make her smile and serve as a reminder of all the amazing details of her hero!

Thank-you Meredith for bringing new details to my life! I am truly honored that you chose me to make these special bags! Here is a photo of your bag......