Destination Unknown......

You have heard me say it before and I am sure I will say it a million times more before this journey is over and that is, that we Brodeurs live a crazy life. This military life is a crazy and an awesome life for sure. 

We have been at Holloman AFB, NM  just shy of one year and yesterday a group of people decided where are next destination will be. Do we know that destination? Nope! Will we hear rumor of where it might be? Hopefully! Could it change? Yes! 

Our next location and Scott's next job could have been decided yesterday and we won't know where that will be until the fall of this year! Does that cause some anxiety....UMMM......totally does! Seriously, our next stop on this journey has been decided and we have no idea where that is. Does it make me nervous....HECK YES IT DOES! Knowing that our next journey in life was decided yesterday by a group of guys that I barely know freaks me the freak out until.....

I read this.....

"We are so often

caught up in our

destination that we 

forget to appreciate 

the journey, especially

the goodness of the 

people we meet on the 

way. Appreciation 

is a wonderful feeling,

don't overlook it."

Perfect quote for this moment in our lives. I am so worried about the destination and letting it stress me out that I am forgetting to appreciate what is in front of me right now! The things that are in front of me right now are awesome! We are living the dream! Scott is in the job that he dreamed and hoped for his whole career. He is a Commander! How flipping cool is that?! Together we get to change people's lives, we get to make a difference. God put us in the perfect place and we love it! It has been the hardest best assignment we have ever had. It has allowed us to exhaust ourselves in a way we never imagined. We get to be part of a squadron full of awesome! Together we support people through the best times of there lives and through the hardest times of there lives. The Pirate Family is amazing and I proud to be a part of it. 

I am proud to be part of the whole military family! Each destination has brought amazing people into our lives. People that we will forever hold close, even if we only chat through FB posts! Yesterday was a prime example of the amazing people placed in our lives. I received a FB message from a friend that we were stationed with in ND and again in NM. Over time we had lost contact with this friend but reconnected via FB recently. Yesterday he sent me an amazing message of motivation and kindness. It made me appreciate him so much, it gave me that wonderful feeling! 

I have received several messages like this from so many of the amazing people we have met on this journey and I appreciate all of you more than you will ever know! You have given me a wonderful feeling when I haven't felt so wonderful! So today, I will not focus on the destination, I will focus on the amazing people we have met along, and the AWESOME life God has given us! I will reflect on the amazing journey we have had so far. Remembering that every step has made me who I am today. Remembering that where we go does not matter, it is where we are right now that matters. Appreciate today and celebrate the people we are with now. 

Gracefully I look up thankful for the amazing crazy life that we have been given. Thankful for the amazing and crazy people we have met along the way! Trusting that God is choosing the right path for us to follow and appreciate what I have now, not what is yet to come! Because now matters!!!!

Ready to be Positive!

Life throws fast balls at you from time to time.

One right after the other.

Some so fast it hurts to catch them.

Sometimes so many you just can't catch anymore....

My mitt is getting wore out. My hand is loosing the ability to hold on.

Life is starting to catch up with me.

The last few weeks have been very tough. I found a lump in my right breast that caused quite a stir. Lots of labs and screenings to find out that my breast cancer has never really gone away. My breast cancer that turned into ovarian cancer has been in my body for close to 7 years. That 7 years ago, my Dr. failed me. Failed to do the correct operation to get rid of my cancer. So for 7 years, I have battled cancer and will continue to battle it. The good news is, it is a battle I can win. For that I should be happy...right?

I don't feel so positive. I am angry....

I am angry that I should be fine. I am angry that I should have never had to go through the crap I have gone through for 7 years.

Don't get me wrong...I am very lucky, very blessed. This could have all gone a lot worse. I could be dead....I have my life, I have my awesome family, I have my strength, I have a lot of things that are right with me, but I also have cancer.

Yes, it is the curable kind, but it has caused me a lot of sickness and weakness that I HATE! It has caused lots of surgeries, a lifetime of scares and worry, and time away from the things I love. Chemo made me weak it still attacks me and makes me sick. In fact before I can attempt to take oral chemo I have to take medication to build my immune system so I will be strong enough to handle the next round of chemo. The immune booster shots make my whole body hurt. The pain is bad enough that I grind my teeth in my sleep which causes teeth to crack, which caused me to unexpectedly have to get all four of my wisdom teeth pulled yesterday. See.....CANCER SUCKS!!!!

I am loosing my positive, I am letting cancer take that from me too. I am getting angry at people that just want to support and love me. I am loosing this winnable battle. I am getting mad when people say things like, "that is great news"! Really, great news....I have cancer still. I have to be on a stupid pill that is going to make me sick again....what is so flipping great about that?!

See, mean.....I am turning mean.

So today, I will change that! I will not let cancer take the one thing that it has yet to take from me, and that my friends is my POSITIVE ROCK STAR attitude. Cancer, can make me feel weak, make me crack my teeth, make pedicures painful, but it will not take my positive. People have called me an inspiration and I need to live up to that. I need to stop pouting and start accepting what is good. I need to LIVE!!!

So today, I choose to live!

Yes, yesterday I lost four teeth. Today, I get a shot that knocks me on my ass. But, today I will not let those things rip me apart.

I will hold on to the verse that has been my rock for 7 years, the verse that has made me strong and positive.

The Lord will fight for you;

You only need to be still.

Exodus 14:14

I will hold on to that and continue this fight with a positive attitude. I will LIVE today and every day that God is giving me. He has given me these 7 years and I am thankful for that. Thankful for the strength that I have build up in myself, thankful for the good things cancer has given me. I need to focus on those good things and have a Rockstar attitude! Quite frankly, this negative attitude is exhausting, so......I am done with that!

Back to the good life.....

2012...

I started posting a status update on Facebook and realized that 2012 was bigger than a status update. 2012 was a year of ups and downs. A year that brought happiness, sadness, challenges, adventure, and was full of surprises.

I view every year as a book added to my library of life. Each one contains a different story. 33 books now added to shelves that make up the library of me! Some filled with adventure, some mystery, and even some romance! My book for 2012 contains all of those and more! It was quite a year, one that I won't ever forget!

Our year started off a little rocky. Another cancer diagnosis was given to me. I fought and continue to fight every day. There were days that I wasn't sure that I had the strength or want to fight. Days that I wanted to just give up. I have never felt the way I felt while I was going through Chemo. Although the cancer is still in me, the outlook is really good! I may have to have more Chemo or surgery in the near future, but we are optimistic that the cancer will go away! We pray that it will stay away!

Having cancer again made for an interesting year. I learned to take advantage of my good days and rest on my bad days. Resting was challenging for me. I watched more Netflix in the 3 months I was down than I will watch my whole life! Scott and I also ran two Half Marathons. The first one was at the beginning of my treatment and the second one was a week after my last treatment! The second one was also my fastest half marathon ever!!!!

I wasn't alone in facing these challenges. I was not the only one challenged this year. I had 4 rockstars, (Scott, Jessie, Jameson, and Jillian) by my side that were challenged every day I was sick. They were scared, sad, and confused just like I was. I hate what I put them through, I hate that they had those emotions. I pray I never see that fear they had in their eyes again. They also had a rockstar quality in all of them that made my heart happy. They fought right along side me. They kept the house running like nothing was wrong. Their sense of humor never changed and they kept our house full of laughter when it could have been full of tears!

Although we were handed the cancer card again this year, we can still say 2012 was a good year! Life brought a lot of great things....

In June, we packed up our house in CA and started an adventure to our new home in NM! The kids and I made took a road trip to ND. I was able to catch up with some old friends and created some memories that I won't soon forget! Shutting down the Ranger being one of them!!!! The kids were able to spend some of their summer vacation doing the things I loved to do as a child before heading to another new home!

We reunited with Scott in New Mexico on July 4th! A couple of days later we watched him take command of the 4th Space Control Squadron. Watched him achieve a career goal. The smile he had on his face will be etched in my mind for the rest of my days!

Scott being a commander is a busy job for sure. Our whole family is part of this job. We get to be a part of every one of our squadron members lives. From births of their sweet babies to the unfortunate passing of loved ones. We are also in charge of planning almost every social event that takes place at our squadron. One event we hold is a family event the 4th Friday of every month, and I am pretty sure the shrimp boil will go down as one of the best! Our squadron deploys and welcomes home airman often. We get to be there to say good-bye and also welcome them home. Our family gets to be a support system for the families left behind. I love bringing treats over to our hero spouses and putting a smile on their face during this tough time. Command has kept our calenders full for the past 6 months. It has kept me busy and helped me take my mind away from the yuck that is still inside me! It is a roller coaster ride for sure and we are loving every minute of it!!!

Our boxes will remain unpacked for another full year! We will stay in New Mexico until July 2014. I am kind of excited that we don't have to pack up again this summer! Everyone is adjusting well to our new home. Jess was a cheerleader and was quite amazing! She has also decided to run track this spring, which of course makes me a happy mama!!! Jameson had a great soccer season and is looking forward to another season of baseball! Jillian continues to do gymnastics and is having one of her best seasons ever! Very proud of these 3!

Another piece of happy in 2012 was the decision to bring another dog into our lives. Our puppy was born December 7th and will come home to live with us sometime in February. All of us are very excited to bring her home and have all the excitement that a puppy brings!!!!

Although 2012 had some rough spots, it was a good year! It has a good story. One that will change the way I live my life in 2013. I look forward to what a new year will bring. I pray for lots of good things and less bad. I pray that we can continue to face our challenges with a positive attitude and remember that everything happens for a reason!

Happy New Year to all my friends and family! Thank you for your prayers and continued support over the last year. I hope you 2013 is full of happiness!

The Battle

The chemo has all been placed inside of my body. Placed there to start a war inside of my body. 

Chemo vs Cancer

I no longer have to go to the Cancer Care center for treatment, instead I have to go to the lab for blood draws. Every week I go in and make sure that the chemo is winning this war. The Doctors also check to make sure the chemo hasn't become complacent. Making sure there is no friendly fire killing off my team players that keep me healthy.

Chemo is very strong it appears to be killing off my cancer with force but it has decided to attack my good stuff as well. It has become complacent. Every week I go in and get both good and bad news. 

Good news... Cancer is loosing!!! Bad news... Good stuff also loosing.

The better news is that my amazing Doctors have a solution to this problem. The worse than bad news is, that the medication to fix these issues makes me sick. So while I battle the side effects of chemo, I also battle the side effects of my immune boosters. It is getting a wee bit old. My lab work does not want to be normal. My body is fighting hard and it is a bit exhausting. 

Yesterday I received another shot to boost up my good stuff. 4 hours later I started to feel it's love. This morning I am feeling the love a bit more. 

For every 14 steps forward I go 7 steps back. I only go back halfway because I refuse to go back to square one. I am way past square one in this fight. I refuse to let this bring me down. 

Jillian has made it two full days without shedding one tear. I need that smile to stay on her face. In a few days Jess will celebrate her 15th birthday and I need her to feel like she is #1 on that day. To make all this happen I need my body to get along. I need the cancer to die off and my good stuff to stay alive. 

My God is way bigger than cancer. He is keeping our heads above water when all we want to do is sink. The Doctors are doing all they can to fix my issues. My family is right along side of me cheering me on as we all fight. God is guiding all of us through this storm toward a rainbow. 

The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still

Ex 14:14

They Just Want Their Mom....

Big Blue eyes filled with tears on her way out of the door because she is sorry she got mad at me.


 Spiked hair little boy peering around the corner to check to see if I am awake. Then comes over and hugs me and tells me he is ready for me to stop being sick and he is sorry for being so mad at me.

 Black Hair beauty comes into my room with a mocha I requested because she loves me and takes care of me.

 Three wonderful kids that care about me and how I feel. Three wonderful kids that are taking care of their mama because their mama can't take care of them. These three super stars have gone through so much. They do things for me that I should be doing for them.

Most of the time they do things without being asked. Like yesterday afternoon when my legs hurt so bad I couldn't walk and my head was spinning so much I couldn't sit up. The two littles were home early from school. They ate their lunch at the counter picked up the mess and then went and played quietly in their rooms. I didn't even know they were home. Jess came home did a load of laundry, entertained Jillian, did homework, made sure everyone ate dinner, and made me a mocha. Basically kept the house running until Scott got home from work. This is how they roll everyday when I am having a bad day.

 Somedays the little ones get emotional. Jameson gets mad at me because he wants his mama back. He doesn't want to go to practice by himself again. Yesterday when he wrapped his arms around me he started to cry. It was heart braking to say the least. He said that he was sorry for being bad and he just wants all of this to be over. So do I buddy, so do I. Jillian crys all the time. She puts the weight of the world on her shoulders, so when things are bad she gets very upset. Her heart hurts. She has said the saddest things to me. The other day in the car she told me that if something happened to me and she had to choose whether to get a new mom or not have a mom at all she would rather just not have a mom because I am the best mom and there could never be another one like me. My 8 year old should not think this way. My kids should not have the emotions they have now.

 Jess is the strong one. She holds everything together until Scott gets home. She asks little questions and just floats. She makes me laugh when I am feeling the worst. She is my comic relief. I saw fear in her eyes when I first told her what was going on. Since that day she has been my mini me doing the things I would do if I felt better. She is amazing. I owe her big and I am sure she will hold me to that when this is all over.

 Yesterday, I was reminded that I am not the only one fighting this fight. It takes a whole army to win a war and my three kids have stepped up to the front line. They got put into a position that they didn't ask for. They are my heros.  I am learning to love a little stronger, hug a little longer, and listen more intently to those three. They are the light of my life and would do anything to have a healthy mom again. I promise one day soon they will have that. I will be the mom they need and deserve.

 Jessie, Jameson, and Jillian- I love you three more than you will ever know. You guys have been amazing through all of this. There is no way I could be this strong if it wasn't for you. I am sorry that you are sad, and scared, it breaks my heart to see you guys cry. I promise I will be fine. I am not ready to leave you. We have a lot of great things in store for us. God has his hand on our backs and is going to give us a huge rainbow at the end of this storm.

 Gracefully I look up....

One Step forward, A Few Steps Back.....

Some days are good some days are bad.  I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff holding on to a positive attitude but it is slowly slipping out of my hand. I am gripping onto it with all my might but my hand can't seem to keep it's grasp. Some days I hold strong, other days I let the positive in me fall. Letting it plunge to the ground.

Last week I got a phone call that made me let go of the positive attitude faster than I have ever let it go. My phone rang and the nurse on the other end let me know that I was not done with treatment. I was done with my rounds of tumor injections but was not done with another type of medication they were giving me. My heart sank and I cried. I cried for about an hour before calling Scott and than crying to him. I didn't want more medicine. I was finally feeling better. I hadn't thrown up in days. My energy level was increasing. Mentally I was on a high, and in one phone call it was all gone.

Chemo is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It is like a sick joke. It screws with you both mentally and physically. Somedays you feel like you are over it. Like you are better. Then...BAM you are so sick you can't even leave your bed.

So when the nurse told me I needed more medication I knew the roller coaster ride was not over. I knew I was in for more sickness. Instead of leaping forward I was falling back. I didn't want to be sick anymore. I don't want my son to be mad at me because I can't get off the couch. I don't want my little girl to tell me things like there is no one like you and mom you are irreplaceable. I don't want my oldest to keep feeling like she needed to keep the house up because I can't. I don't want my husband to feel guilty because I am home sick and he has to go to work. I just want to live.

So I came up with a strategy. I wiped my tears and decided even though I was going to be physically sick but I was not going to loose it mentally. I was not going to let this get me down. So on Wednesday when I walk into the chemo room to get my medicine I got all the negative out as the medication was injected. It was the first time that I didn't throw up while the fluids filled my veins. This was a big deal for me. In fact I felt so good that the next day I got up and ran 4 miles and than the next day ran 8 miles. The weekend was good. I started to feel tired but I was pushing through it.

Than Monday morning came and so did the biggest Mac truck I have ever seen. That sucker hit me hard. I didn't leave my bed all day. Every bone in my body hurt, I threw up all morning long. I was defeated. I couldn't believe that I was sick. I was beyond upset. How could I feel fine and then feel that sick so fast? It didn't make sense. I e-mailed a friend and fellow cancer survivor. I am sure I ruined her whole day with my rant. I just didn't get it. She helped me understand. She was a blessing to me with her response.

I needed to vent to someone who really gets this. I have great friends and a great support system but I needed words from a friend that has rode on this roller coaster. Someone I could lay it all to. I was starting to get angry with the advise people were giving me. I know that is not nice but I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like shit and I was angry. I needed someone who understood my anger and she did. I needed someone who understood my sickness and she did.

She built me back up mentally. I read that e-mail, took my medicine, and took a very restful nap. I woke up feeling much better. One e-mail and I was back on the up and up. Venting was good for me. Having a friend that understands helps me.

Never in my life would I have thought I could feel the way I do right now. I never knew tired until now. I never knew sick like I know now. I never knew defeat like I do now. This is a challenging time for me. I am a control freak and I have no control. So I am giving in and letting go. Chemo will control me for a little while longer and I am going to let it. I am going to rest when I am tired. I am going to run when I feel good. I will let my housework fall behind when I feel sick. I will let my kids eat whatever they want until I can cook again. That one e-mail help me realize that this is OK. It is OK to feel this way.

One phone call broke me down, and one e-mail build me back up. It is just how this ride is going to be. I am thankful for the prayers that have been said. I am hanging on to my faith stronger than ever. I am thankful that this ride will end. The end is near, until than I need to keep my faith that everyday isn't going to suck!

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

Another Day Closer to Normal....

Woke up a few times during the night with extreme pain in my stomach. Pain in areas that are suppose to be shutting down. Looks as though my body parts are as stubborn as I am. They are fighting back and are not wanting to shut down! Called the Doctor and this is normal. In fact they could give me an end time to all this pain.

Medicine is weird. This treatment does a lot of weird things to me. The inside of my mouth and throat are peeling. This is known to the medical community as thrush. My hands look like red spider webs have formed on my palms. My neck and face will turn bright red at a moments notice and feel like it is on fire. Half of my face feels numb 90% of the day and from time to time so does my tongue. My ear hurt the other day for no reason at all. Nausea and extreme exhaustion, well that is just something that has become part of my everyday and now stomach pain.

See all weird stuff and that is only some of it. My everyday is a hypochondriacs dream. Everyday a new medical issue. Haha hypochondriacs my stuff is real! I am so lucky!!!!

I am actually extremely lucky. Every weird side effect is a sign that the medication is working. Another reason I feel very lucky is that it looks like I am going to avoid one of the most common side effect of chemo and that is hair loss. Looks like I am not going to loose all of my hair. To some that is not a big deal. For me it was a big deal. I want to get through this with no signs that I had cancer. Hair loss lasts longer than the cancer sometimes. I know all of that sounds really bad, but that is honestly how I feel.

See we are moving to another state in a couple of months. Most people in our squadron won't know that I have gone through this and I like it that way. I don't want to walk into the change of command ceremony with little to no hair and have everyone whisper about me. I don't want that sympathy look. I want them to like me not because I am sick but because I am Tara. Cancer defines you and I don't want it too.

Cancer has given me a strength inside that I never knew I had. An urge to fight when I am at my absolute weakest. There are days like today that I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. I hurt. I don't feel good. Staying in PJs and not washing my hair for days is easy. Getting dressed and living through the pain and sickness takes work and requires a lot of strength. I never would have thought that getting ready everyday would be like running an ultra marathon and somedays that is exactly what it is like.  I do it because cancer is not going to win. It is not going to define me anymore. This time cancer can kiss my @#$. I am done with it.