Feeling the Love!

So yesterday wasn't the best day for me. I felt extremely weak both emotionally and physically. My positive attitude was lost in the fog that was looming outside.

Today is a new day.

Today is another gift from God.

Today is another day to live.

Last night I went to bed reading the best messages from so many amazing friends. I went to sleep feeling a lot of love! I woke up this morning ready to start a new day. I got more done this morning than I have in quite a few days. I showered, put real clothes and make-up on, did a load of laundry, vacuumed the house, and ran some errands. I was able to make it half way through the day before feeling sick.

I started my day reading this verse....

Two are better than one... If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Eccleslastes 4:9-10

I am learning a lot while on this journey. I love how no matter what God throws at you, He is giving you an opportunity to learn. An opportunity to grow. I am learning that I am not always as strong as I feel I am. I am also learning that amazing friends can make you feel strong again. Words of encouragement and love can make you feel so powerful. God places some amazing people in my life during these very difficult times. I always find during these times that God shows me who my real friends are. He shows me who is invested, who truly loves me.

Your love got me out of my sweats and off the couch for half of the day. Although I am back in my sweats and on the couch I am happy. I got half a day. I got to feel good for a piece of my day. I am pretty sure I would have felt good all day but I had to go get some more medicine and my body doesn't really like it. Right now I feel physically sick, but mentally I am strong and healthy. I got great news from my Doctor this morning. He feels that the shot they are giving me is so effective that one more will get the job done. So he gave me that today. He feels that this is the last of it for me. I will go back next week to get some lab work done and see if he was right. I am confident that he is.

I believe that all the prayers that have been said for me were answered today. I believe that God gave me strength to be able to handle another shot today because of the prayers that all of you said. The words that were written to me built me up. I am afraid that I wouldn't have been as strong today when they told me I needed another shot if you all didn't give me the support you have given me. So thank you all for the love, prayers and kind words. Because of you today was a good day!!!

Somedays Fighting is Hard....

I am sick of being sick.
Sick of feeling weak.
Sick of not being able to live a "normal" life.


I am the person people ask, "what is going on now" instead of, "is something wrong"? I am the person that when asked, "how are you feeling" people brace themselves because they know I won't say good. That instead I will have some medical issue again. I am the person that always has something wrong with them and quite frankly I am sick of being that person.

I am 33 years old. I should be running sub 2 hour half marathons but instead I am running 2 hour 40 minute half marathons because I have to stop at every other rest stop and throw up. I can't train because I am always sick. I can't run faster because the medicine they are giving me is making every bone in my body hurt.

I should be able to dust and vacuum my house with no problem. Instead I dust two rooms and feel like I am going to collapse in exhaustion.

My head always hurts, my vision seems cloudy, my skin is on fire, my tongue is numb, half of my face is tingling all the time, and I feel like I am going to loose my cookies most of the day.

I am tired and I am crabby. I am sick again.

Two months or so ago I walk into a Dr office for about the 1500 time and was told my cyst is a tumor and my cancer levels are elevated.

Lucky me..

For the last two months I have been in huge denial. Not wanting to believe that my body is attacking me again. Not wanting to believe that once again I am sick. If I carried on like nothing was wrong, than nothing would be wrong. I have gone to every appointment by myself because I don't want to have other's hear what the Doctors are saying. I want all of this to go away.

At a time when I should be happy about my progress I find myself sitting on the floor crying to a friend on the phone. Crying to her because I can't hold it in anymore. I can't pretend this isn't really happening. I can't pretend that I don't have cancer. By definition I do. My lab work says I do. There is a growth in my body that shouldn't be there. So the Doctor's are doing everything they can to get the nasty out of my body. To fix me.

After 6 years of this sickness the Doctor's are finally fixing me. They have come up with a plan to fix the old stuff and the new stuff. I wasn't treated properly when I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 6 years ago because of that I still have cancer in my system. The cancer has caused me to develop growths on and near my ovary.

So the plan is to give me shots of medication directly to the growth and to do rounds of chemotherapy to get my levels back to normal. The medication is making me incredibly ill. I feel tired and weak, sick and nauseated all the time. I know that all of this illness is going to be worth it in the end but I am sick of being sick.

I am tired. I am weak. I feel like quitting sometimes. If fighting means being sick all the time I am not sure that I can fight anymore. Those are the thoughts that have gone through my mind from time to time. I know that I want to be here for my kiddos, that I want to be here for Scott but I want to be what they deserve. They deserve a happy and healthy mom/wife.

So I put on a happy face and try so hard to be that peppy, healthy, fun wife/mom. I put on my suit of armor and run half marathons 5 days after receiving a round of chemo. I put bronzer on my cheeks so I don't look pail and sick. I fake it until I make it. I hide what is really going on from people that love and care for me.

I need to face my reality.

My reality is this...

I am sick again, but only for a little while. I am going to have a few hard days ahead of me. I am going to feel tired and weak. I am going to feel sick to my stomach. I am going to hurt and have weird symptoms occur throughout the day. But, I am going to get better. These symptoms are temporary. The Doctors are going to finally fix me. For that I am grateful. On Monday I was told the tumor that was the size of a grapefruit and is now the size of a quarter. In a week or so I will see if my levels are lower. The Doctor is very confident that my levels should be normal.

One day very soon I will feel good again, for that I am extremely blessed. God has blessed me with the ability to never give up although there are days when quitting seems easy. His hand pushes me forward everyday. The love of my family keeps me strong and makes the fight worth it. Before I know it, I will be crossing that finish line of the half marathon in under 2 hours. I will go a whole day without feeling exhausted and sick. I will be the peppy, fun, and healthy mom/wife that my family deserves. I will not be sick anymore.




Gracefully I look up to you God, so thankful that you keep pushing me when all I want to do is quit. That you are placing Doctors in my life that are going to fix me.
That once again you have given me hope of a future. You give me reminders everyday why I need to keep fighting. I promise to keep fighting!