Consumed....

So, my status on Facebook read, "shorter post today....looking forward to telling the story of Bag #3 later this evening". Well it's later in the evening and here I sit on my computer. Trying to type the story of bag 3 and I can't seem to tell it the way it needs to be told. I can't tell the story because I am consumed with my current issues. It is frustrating. I am normally a very positive person. I usually have nothing but uplifting and happy things to write about, talk about, and share with everyone. For instance, Jillian.....I got to see her do her floor routine to music for the first time today. She performed it with perfection, she was so excited she almost cried. For and instant, I smiled and had a happy feeling inside.....then that sharp pain on my left side kicked in and I remembered.....

Tomorrow is my appointment. They may have all my test results in. They may have all the answers to all my questions. I may not like the answers. Tomorrow, I could be told to put my boxing gloves on again because it is time to fight. Or, I could go in there and they could tell me about my ovary and still not know anything about my lump on my breast.

So my mind isn't where I want it to be. It isn't able to tell the amazing stories behind my bags. It isn't allowing me to sit and create some cute St. Patty's decor for our house, decor that I have studied on so many cute blogs. My mind isn't able to just let it go. I am letting it go on the outside but dying on the inside....

I want my positive, happy, creative self back. I am sick of being consumed with this. I want people to see me that way again and not what I am right now. I want my blog to be what I planned on it being. A place where people would be inspired and/or entertained.

So tomorrow, I pray all results are good. I am Gracefully looking up with my hands raised, desperately asking for "me" back no matter what those tests say. Consume me from the inside out....

A thousand times I've failed

Still your mercy remains

And should I stumble again

Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains

The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control

Consume me from the inside out Lord

Let justice and praise become my embrace

To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades

Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out"

-hillsong

:):):)

I have turned to this song a few times this week. It is my favorite and brings a new meaning to me every time I hear it. It conforms to whatever shape my life is in.