What I know and don't know....

Here is how it went.....

Walk into the office, did my vital signs.....blood pressure was down. Amazing, my blood pressure medicine is working. So we are off to a good start!!! Dr has me come into another room, I sit down and she wants to exchange greetings....How ya feeling, etc Only, I am really not interested in wasting any more time just like you aren't interested in reading forever before I get to the point! So, I said exactly that, let's get to the point. What is going on???

Well in a nut shell....I don't really know. Nothing is solid at this point. Here is what I do know.....

1. There is still a cyst on my left ovary (sorry, I put the wrong ovary in my last blog) It is 7cm and grows to 20cm in size. It has change shape and consistency. So, it requires another look and a specialist. A specialist being a OB/GYN

2. There is a lump on my breast and it also requires another look. So she ordered an ultrasound for now. An ultrasound to include a biopsy is probably in my future. 

I saw a Physician's assistant so all she was able to do at this point is put in referrals to specialists. This is turning into a multiple step process. We disgust some options for my plan of care and it looks like this...

1. Possible treatment with tomoxifen. Even if cancer is not present it could stop the growths from growing. A treatment I should have probably received the first time around. If cancer is present, a whole new plan will be put into place.

2. Removal of my left ovary. This one is a going to be a difficult decision for us to make. This will mean I will be put into menopause immediately. It also means another surgery, which will make it my 4th in 4 years. I can not treat menopausal symptoms with Hormone Replacement Therapy, because I had a blood clot in my lung in 2002. (Yep, I am a medical mess) 

So to put it all together, the plan is blood work to check if cancer is present, more ultrasounds, and visits with specialist to make the final plan and get the results and answers......hopefully!

How do I feel? Not what I was hoping to feel, to be perfectly honest. I was praying I would walk in they would say the cyst looks exactly like it did in October and the mammogram was clear. I was not told any of that. I wasn't told the mammogram wasn't clear, I was just told that the findings require more tests.  I was told the cyst doesn't look the same and you need it to be further looked at. All these things scare the....to be frankly honest, CRAP RIGHT OUT OF ME!!!! I feel like a little kid lost in a dark forest, confused, and scared and LOST! 

I sit at my sewing machine wanting to sew, but I can't. It is my distraction but I can't even thread my machine. My scissors sit next to me and I try to cut a flight suit, but I made a wrong cut. I want to be distracted by doing something I love and it isn't happening. It makes me incredibly angry. 

So what to do. What does my future hold, I am not exactly sure, it is completely out of my control. I feel like I can't control what is in my control. If that makes any sense? 

What I do know, is in a couple of hours 3 smiling faces are going to walk in the door. Excited about their day and are going to be eager about packing their bags because we are heading to Florida!!! A trip we planned months ago....timing is perfect. We are going to our favorite hotel, going to walk on the white sand and on Sunday, Scott and I will run the Seaside Half Marathon. After the race, we are going to have lunch with the most amazing people that God placed into our lives at a perfect time. I get to meet there sweet kids and catch up on all the happy things in their lives. So I get to escape for a minute and that makes me smile!

With tears in my eyes and confusion surrounding me I am still holding on to my God. A God that got me through this before and will do it again. I am thankful for all the support from all of you! It is helping me get through this. I wish I had more answers to give.