Picture it....You are in a dark room with no light, 4 walls surrounding you, one wall has the door. This door leads you out of this dark room. You can't find the knob to open that door. Every now and then you see some light coming out of a crack and this leads you to the way out. Before you are able to find the door knob to open the door, the light goes out. For a minute your feel free, life is good, you are getting out of the dark room. Then that minute is gone and you are stuck in the dark room searching for a way out again. That is what my life feels like right now.
I feel very blessed all of the time. I am faithful in the fact that God is giving me these challenges to test my faith. I know that I am passing the tests, because I am putting my trust in him. All that being said, I WANT OUT OF THIS ROOM!!!! I am done. Last night, I cried, and cried, and cried some more.
The last couple of months have been a roller coaster. I really wish all I had on my plate was the whole cancer thing. Frankly, I feel like that is enough! Remember, how I said I wish I could bottle up the happiness I had last week and keep it forever. Well, as I sit here, I pray so hard that the happiness and joy will come back. It seems like every step forward has given me 4 steps back. Maybe, if the cancer thing wasn't there all the things that are happening wouldn't seem so bad.
Maybe Jillian getting head lice twice, notice of a move to CA, news that our dog may not make the move, and life just happening wouldn't seem so bad. They wouldn't be the things that turn that light off. Maybe, if I just had life happening yesterday wouldn't have made me cry so much that Jillian told me she was glad I hadn't cried in the morning.
Well yesterday happened and yesterday was the straw that broke the camels back. My sweet Jessie got 3 days of in school suspension. Yep, you read that right...my straight A, wonderful 13 year old got ISS. Bet you want to know why? Bet you are saying right now, "that will never happen to my child". Bet some of you are judging my skills as a parent. That is my fear, that I am being judge by this. Maybe, if this was the only thing on my plate I wouldn't be over thinking this. I wouldn't care what people might think or say because I could be strong enough to face the "perfect" people of this world. I am sick to my stomach over it. Sick that my sweet girl is sitting in a room with other trouble makers, being judged. Looked at like she is one of "those kids". She opened up her phone in the car rider line and took a picture after the last bell of the day had rung. A rule is a rule and she broke it so she is being punished. It was hard to hear your child is in trouble when ever other time you have been to the school all you hear is praises about how awesome she is.
So yesterday, I cried. I was hurt that my daughter lied to me, hurt that she would face 3 days of ISS, and hurt that she acted like a silly 13 year old. I love Jessie more then she will ever know. She isn't one to hug, and that hurts because I want to hug her every day. She really isn't one to say I love you and I need that from her. I need her to say, "Mama, I love you" and give me a giant hug. She won't and that hurts. I want a hug, some love and then maybe all of this wouldn't feel so bad.
I am ready for this chapter of my life to be over. I am ready to move forward. To not cry anymore. To not be afraid. To not have the little things seem so big because of the big thing on my plate. I want just the little things back. One at a time. I want the door to open and to be lead to the room filled with light.
I am beyond bless with my life and it could be so much worse. I know that and am happy about that but, today I am in a pit. If my phone could just ring and the Doctor could give me my stupid mammo result, I could breath again and face stupid things like a child is ISS without over thinking anything!!!!
Gracefully, I look up and ask God, to please get me out of here. Give me my life back. Make things bright again. I am sad, scared and hurt. Give my Jessie reason to hug me, let her love me as deep as I love her. Make it all go away. My faith in you is beyond strong. I know you will make it all better, but I am running out of steam.
I know you've got so many other things on your mind right now. And, you definitely don't want Jessie making foolish choices, but just know that the teachers know the difference between the bad eggs and the kids that just make silly mistakes. The ISS teacher is probably relieved to have a student like her for a few days. When I was teaching, I had to give demerits to my favorite student because of a situation like Jessie's. I covered my eyes and couldn't stop thinking, "NO---take it back!" I had to follow through with consequences even though it killed me. Some parts of building character just plain stink---for everyone involved!
ReplyDelete