Woke up a few times during the night with extreme pain in my stomach. Pain in areas that are suppose to be shutting down. Looks as though my body parts are as stubborn as I am. They are fighting back and are not wanting to shut down! Called the Doctor and this is normal. In fact they could give me an end time to all this pain.
Medicine is weird. This treatment does a lot of weird things to me. The inside of my mouth and throat are peeling. This is known to the medical community as thrush. My hands look like red spider webs have formed on my palms. My neck and face will turn bright red at a moments notice and feel like it is on fire. Half of my face feels numb 90% of the day and from time to time so does my tongue. My ear hurt the other day for no reason at all. Nausea and extreme exhaustion, well that is just something that has become part of my everyday and now stomach pain.
See all weird stuff and that is only some of it. My everyday is a hypochondriacs dream. Everyday a new medical issue. Haha hypochondriacs my stuff is real! I am so lucky!!!!
I am actually extremely lucky. Every weird side effect is a sign that the medication is working. Another reason I feel very lucky is that it looks like I am going to avoid one of the most common side effect of chemo and that is hair loss. Looks like I am not going to loose all of my hair. To some that is not a big deal. For me it was a big deal. I want to get through this with no signs that I had cancer. Hair loss lasts longer than the cancer sometimes. I know all of that sounds really bad, but that is honestly how I feel.
See we are moving to another state in a couple of months. Most people in our squadron won't know that I have gone through this and I like it that way. I don't want to walk into the change of command ceremony with little to no hair and have everyone whisper about me. I don't want that sympathy look. I want them to like me not because I am sick but because I am Tara. Cancer defines you and I don't want it too.
Cancer has given me a strength inside that I never knew I had. An urge to fight when I am at my absolute weakest. There are days like today that I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. I hurt. I don't feel good. Staying in PJs and not washing my hair for days is easy. Getting dressed and living through the pain and sickness takes work and requires a lot of strength. I never would have thought that getting ready everyday would be like running an ultra marathon and somedays that is exactly what it is like. I do it because cancer is not going to win. It is not going to define me anymore. This time cancer can kiss my @#$. I am done with it.
Wow. I stumbled on your blog sort of on purpose, ort of by accident. I was seeking more information on making flight suit purses as I was asked by a friend if I would make her one. Then I got to clicking on a site where there was a snippet of info...and found your blog. My heart goes out to you. I have never experienced what you are facing day in and day out, my own health issues seem minor in comparison, but then that isn't what it is about. Too many people I know are fighting, have fought, have lost...have WON. I pray that your family and friends, near and far, real and virtual will continue to provide you with support and encouragement as you fight until you are the last one standing. You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers that your health continues to improve and each day becomes a bit brighter for you. (Hugs) from a virtual friend in The Netherlands...
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