One Step forward, A Few Steps Back.....

Some days are good some days are bad.  I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff holding on to a positive attitude but it is slowly slipping out of my hand. I am gripping onto it with all my might but my hand can't seem to keep it's grasp. Some days I hold strong, other days I let the positive in me fall. Letting it plunge to the ground.

Last week I got a phone call that made me let go of the positive attitude faster than I have ever let it go. My phone rang and the nurse on the other end let me know that I was not done with treatment. I was done with my rounds of tumor injections but was not done with another type of medication they were giving me. My heart sank and I cried. I cried for about an hour before calling Scott and than crying to him. I didn't want more medicine. I was finally feeling better. I hadn't thrown up in days. My energy level was increasing. Mentally I was on a high, and in one phone call it was all gone.

Chemo is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It is like a sick joke. It screws with you both mentally and physically. Somedays you feel like you are over it. Like you are better. Then...BAM you are so sick you can't even leave your bed.

So when the nurse told me I needed more medication I knew the roller coaster ride was not over. I knew I was in for more sickness. Instead of leaping forward I was falling back. I didn't want to be sick anymore. I don't want my son to be mad at me because I can't get off the couch. I don't want my little girl to tell me things like there is no one like you and mom you are irreplaceable. I don't want my oldest to keep feeling like she needed to keep the house up because I can't. I don't want my husband to feel guilty because I am home sick and he has to go to work. I just want to live.

So I came up with a strategy. I wiped my tears and decided even though I was going to be physically sick but I was not going to loose it mentally. I was not going to let this get me down. So on Wednesday when I walk into the chemo room to get my medicine I got all the negative out as the medication was injected. It was the first time that I didn't throw up while the fluids filled my veins. This was a big deal for me. In fact I felt so good that the next day I got up and ran 4 miles and than the next day ran 8 miles. The weekend was good. I started to feel tired but I was pushing through it.

Than Monday morning came and so did the biggest Mac truck I have ever seen. That sucker hit me hard. I didn't leave my bed all day. Every bone in my body hurt, I threw up all morning long. I was defeated. I couldn't believe that I was sick. I was beyond upset. How could I feel fine and then feel that sick so fast? It didn't make sense. I e-mailed a friend and fellow cancer survivor. I am sure I ruined her whole day with my rant. I just didn't get it. She helped me understand. She was a blessing to me with her response.

I needed to vent to someone who really gets this. I have great friends and a great support system but I needed words from a friend that has rode on this roller coaster. Someone I could lay it all to. I was starting to get angry with the advise people were giving me. I know that is not nice but I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like shit and I was angry. I needed someone who understood my anger and she did. I needed someone who understood my sickness and she did.

She built me back up mentally. I read that e-mail, took my medicine, and took a very restful nap. I woke up feeling much better. One e-mail and I was back on the up and up. Venting was good for me. Having a friend that understands helps me.

Never in my life would I have thought I could feel the way I do right now. I never knew tired until now. I never knew sick like I know now. I never knew defeat like I do now. This is a challenging time for me. I am a control freak and I have no control. So I am giving in and letting go. Chemo will control me for a little while longer and I am going to let it. I am going to rest when I am tired. I am going to run when I feel good. I will let my housework fall behind when I feel sick. I will let my kids eat whatever they want until I can cook again. That one e-mail help me realize that this is OK. It is OK to feel this way.

One phone call broke me down, and one e-mail build me back up. It is just how this ride is going to be. I am thankful for the prayers that have been said. I am hanging on to my faith stronger than ever. I am thankful that this ride will end. The end is near, until than I need to keep my faith that everyday isn't going to suck!

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13