Wasn't Ready to Share...

For the past couple of months I have been in huge denial. I went to the Doctor heard what they said and went home and kept living. Didn't really talk about what was being done or what was being said. I had a few conversations with Scott, but other than that I just kept on keeping on. In fact I didn't say what was going on out loud until last week when I started typing it out on Facebook and on my blog.

I am incredibly thankful for social networking during this time. I would much rather type out what is going on then say it out loud. Typing it out makes it less real to me. This helps my stage of denial a little more. It helps me float when I am sinking. 

When my phone rang this weekend my cancer became more real. The folks on the other end of the line... My parents. Yep, I kept this minor issue I have going on in my life from my own parents. I let them read it on my blog and Facebook like the rest of the world. Not one of my best decisions. Also not something one really wants to pick up the phone and tell your mom and dad. I couldn't make my vocal cords form the words, "I have cancer". So I typed it. Until Saturday I am not quite sure I have said it out loud. Telling the people that love you more than life itself that you have cancer is hard. So I locked it up and didn't talk about it. I didn't talk about it with friends, my own kids, or my family. 

I am regretting that decision. My poor dad found out about my issue from a co worker at work. Fortunately the co worker is an amazing woman who was going to my dad as a support system and friend.  I am sure she was as shocked as my dad was when she found out my dad was unaware of this issue. I am 99.9% sure daughter of the year was just taken away from me. I feel very bad that this was how my parents found out their daughter has cancer again. This news hurt them. My parents would give me the world and I denied them the ability to support me and that wasn't fair.

Not that I can really justify not telling them but I can try... Right? This whole process and diagnosis has been a whirlwind. It has gone from getting a bunch of tests done to getting the treatment to fix it. I don't really even remember the part where the diagnosis was revealed. I just remember getting phone calls directing me with the next steps. I followed the steps and continue to follow them. Part of my mind knows that most of the treatment is what should have been done the first time I had cancer. So in my little mind this cancer isn't new it is still the old stuff hanging around and making itself a home and other parts of my body. So old news isn't new news.... right? You don't have to share old news or at least that is what I thought. The truth is this is new. This cancer did stem from my old stuff but it is in a new form so it is new. I should let the people that love me know this news. I should have called them and told them. 

I talked to my parents for an hour. I heard sadness, fear, love and support in their voices. They listened to me cry and heard my fears out loud. They built me up. I should have called them. I should have told them I was sick again. I need their support. How can they support me if they don't know? 

I am sorry to everyone that cares about me. I am sorry that I didn't share my news with you all. It has been harder for me than I thought it would be. This is not something I want to be going through again. I am trying very hard to stay strong. The second time around has been a bit harder than the first. I am ready to be cancer free. I am ready to live a normal life. Ready to have only good news to share.