Side Effects Are Not My Friend....

Today is shaping up to be a hard day. The medication is kicking in full force and my body isn't loving it. I am going to do my very best to enjoy my life from the couch. Yesterday I was able to watch the dead tree that I have been starring at for so long finally come down. After that spectacular show the girls and I were able to watch a rocket carrying a satellite launch into space. That was an amazing sight that we viewed while sitting in our driveway. Jameson got a closer view with some great friends of ours. I am sure today will be equally as exciting!

I am thankful that these side effects will be coming to an end very soon. Yesterday was the best day I have had in a long time, knowing that I don't have to have anymore medication put in me is a good feeling. The Doctors said I should be back to my normal rock star self,  back to 100% in about a month in a half.

I am going to get through today thankful that everyday is going to be better from here on out.

Treatment Day....DONE

For the last 4 months I have been scanned, poked and prodded, hooked up to IVs, and basically treated like a lab rat. Today was the last of it for a little while. Well the last of the treatments that is. The treatment the Doctors choose to give me ended today. No more medication can be given. Now we just wait and let it do it's Magic. Praying everyday that it is killing off the bad stuff.

I am feeling the side effects of the medication now, so I need to cut this short. I promise more later but for now I am going to rest and hope I feel better soon.

Thank you all for the support and love. Your phone calls and messages have really lifted my spirits.

Wasn't Ready to Share...

For the past couple of months I have been in huge denial. I went to the Doctor heard what they said and went home and kept living. Didn't really talk about what was being done or what was being said. I had a few conversations with Scott, but other than that I just kept on keeping on. In fact I didn't say what was going on out loud until last week when I started typing it out on Facebook and on my blog.

I am incredibly thankful for social networking during this time. I would much rather type out what is going on then say it out loud. Typing it out makes it less real to me. This helps my stage of denial a little more. It helps me float when I am sinking. 

When my phone rang this weekend my cancer became more real. The folks on the other end of the line... My parents. Yep, I kept this minor issue I have going on in my life from my own parents. I let them read it on my blog and Facebook like the rest of the world. Not one of my best decisions. Also not something one really wants to pick up the phone and tell your mom and dad. I couldn't make my vocal cords form the words, "I have cancer". So I typed it. Until Saturday I am not quite sure I have said it out loud. Telling the people that love you more than life itself that you have cancer is hard. So I locked it up and didn't talk about it. I didn't talk about it with friends, my own kids, or my family. 

I am regretting that decision. My poor dad found out about my issue from a co worker at work. Fortunately the co worker is an amazing woman who was going to my dad as a support system and friend.  I am sure she was as shocked as my dad was when she found out my dad was unaware of this issue. I am 99.9% sure daughter of the year was just taken away from me. I feel very bad that this was how my parents found out their daughter has cancer again. This news hurt them. My parents would give me the world and I denied them the ability to support me and that wasn't fair.

Not that I can really justify not telling them but I can try... Right? This whole process and diagnosis has been a whirlwind. It has gone from getting a bunch of tests done to getting the treatment to fix it. I don't really even remember the part where the diagnosis was revealed. I just remember getting phone calls directing me with the next steps. I followed the steps and continue to follow them. Part of my mind knows that most of the treatment is what should have been done the first time I had cancer. So in my little mind this cancer isn't new it is still the old stuff hanging around and making itself a home and other parts of my body. So old news isn't new news.... right? You don't have to share old news or at least that is what I thought. The truth is this is new. This cancer did stem from my old stuff but it is in a new form so it is new. I should let the people that love me know this news. I should have called them and told them. 

I talked to my parents for an hour. I heard sadness, fear, love and support in their voices. They listened to me cry and heard my fears out loud. They built me up. I should have called them. I should have told them I was sick again. I need their support. How can they support me if they don't know? 

I am sorry to everyone that cares about me. I am sorry that I didn't share my news with you all. It has been harder for me than I thought it would be. This is not something I want to be going through again. I am trying very hard to stay strong. The second time around has been a bit harder than the first. I am ready to be cancer free. I am ready to live a normal life. Ready to have only good news to share. 

Feeling the Love!

So yesterday wasn't the best day for me. I felt extremely weak both emotionally and physically. My positive attitude was lost in the fog that was looming outside.

Today is a new day.

Today is another gift from God.

Today is another day to live.

Last night I went to bed reading the best messages from so many amazing friends. I went to sleep feeling a lot of love! I woke up this morning ready to start a new day. I got more done this morning than I have in quite a few days. I showered, put real clothes and make-up on, did a load of laundry, vacuumed the house, and ran some errands. I was able to make it half way through the day before feeling sick.

I started my day reading this verse....

Two are better than one... If one falls down, his friend can help him up.

But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

Eccleslastes 4:9-10

I am learning a lot while on this journey. I love how no matter what God throws at you, He is giving you an opportunity to learn. An opportunity to grow. I am learning that I am not always as strong as I feel I am. I am also learning that amazing friends can make you feel strong again. Words of encouragement and love can make you feel so powerful. God places some amazing people in my life during these very difficult times. I always find during these times that God shows me who my real friends are. He shows me who is invested, who truly loves me.

Your love got me out of my sweats and off the couch for half of the day. Although I am back in my sweats and on the couch I am happy. I got half a day. I got to feel good for a piece of my day. I am pretty sure I would have felt good all day but I had to go get some more medicine and my body doesn't really like it. Right now I feel physically sick, but mentally I am strong and healthy. I got great news from my Doctor this morning. He feels that the shot they are giving me is so effective that one more will get the job done. So he gave me that today. He feels that this is the last of it for me. I will go back next week to get some lab work done and see if he was right. I am confident that he is.

I believe that all the prayers that have been said for me were answered today. I believe that God gave me strength to be able to handle another shot today because of the prayers that all of you said. The words that were written to me built me up. I am afraid that I wouldn't have been as strong today when they told me I needed another shot if you all didn't give me the support you have given me. So thank you all for the love, prayers and kind words. Because of you today was a good day!!!

Somedays Fighting is Hard....

I am sick of being sick.
Sick of feeling weak.
Sick of not being able to live a "normal" life.


I am the person people ask, "what is going on now" instead of, "is something wrong"? I am the person that when asked, "how are you feeling" people brace themselves because they know I won't say good. That instead I will have some medical issue again. I am the person that always has something wrong with them and quite frankly I am sick of being that person.

I am 33 years old. I should be running sub 2 hour half marathons but instead I am running 2 hour 40 minute half marathons because I have to stop at every other rest stop and throw up. I can't train because I am always sick. I can't run faster because the medicine they are giving me is making every bone in my body hurt.

I should be able to dust and vacuum my house with no problem. Instead I dust two rooms and feel like I am going to collapse in exhaustion.

My head always hurts, my vision seems cloudy, my skin is on fire, my tongue is numb, half of my face is tingling all the time, and I feel like I am going to loose my cookies most of the day.

I am tired and I am crabby. I am sick again.

Two months or so ago I walk into a Dr office for about the 1500 time and was told my cyst is a tumor and my cancer levels are elevated.

Lucky me..

For the last two months I have been in huge denial. Not wanting to believe that my body is attacking me again. Not wanting to believe that once again I am sick. If I carried on like nothing was wrong, than nothing would be wrong. I have gone to every appointment by myself because I don't want to have other's hear what the Doctors are saying. I want all of this to go away.

At a time when I should be happy about my progress I find myself sitting on the floor crying to a friend on the phone. Crying to her because I can't hold it in anymore. I can't pretend this isn't really happening. I can't pretend that I don't have cancer. By definition I do. My lab work says I do. There is a growth in my body that shouldn't be there. So the Doctor's are doing everything they can to get the nasty out of my body. To fix me.

After 6 years of this sickness the Doctor's are finally fixing me. They have come up with a plan to fix the old stuff and the new stuff. I wasn't treated properly when I was diagnosed with breast cancer almost 6 years ago because of that I still have cancer in my system. The cancer has caused me to develop growths on and near my ovary.

So the plan is to give me shots of medication directly to the growth and to do rounds of chemotherapy to get my levels back to normal. The medication is making me incredibly ill. I feel tired and weak, sick and nauseated all the time. I know that all of this illness is going to be worth it in the end but I am sick of being sick.

I am tired. I am weak. I feel like quitting sometimes. If fighting means being sick all the time I am not sure that I can fight anymore. Those are the thoughts that have gone through my mind from time to time. I know that I want to be here for my kiddos, that I want to be here for Scott but I want to be what they deserve. They deserve a happy and healthy mom/wife.

So I put on a happy face and try so hard to be that peppy, healthy, fun wife/mom. I put on my suit of armor and run half marathons 5 days after receiving a round of chemo. I put bronzer on my cheeks so I don't look pail and sick. I fake it until I make it. I hide what is really going on from people that love and care for me.

I need to face my reality.

My reality is this...

I am sick again, but only for a little while. I am going to have a few hard days ahead of me. I am going to feel tired and weak. I am going to feel sick to my stomach. I am going to hurt and have weird symptoms occur throughout the day. But, I am going to get better. These symptoms are temporary. The Doctors are going to finally fix me. For that I am grateful. On Monday I was told the tumor that was the size of a grapefruit and is now the size of a quarter. In a week or so I will see if my levels are lower. The Doctor is very confident that my levels should be normal.

One day very soon I will feel good again, for that I am extremely blessed. God has blessed me with the ability to never give up although there are days when quitting seems easy. His hand pushes me forward everyday. The love of my family keeps me strong and makes the fight worth it. Before I know it, I will be crossing that finish line of the half marathon in under 2 hours. I will go a whole day without feeling exhausted and sick. I will be the peppy, fun, and healthy mom/wife that my family deserves. I will not be sick anymore.




Gracefully I look up to you God, so thankful that you keep pushing me when all I want to do is quit. That you are placing Doctors in my life that are going to fix me.
That once again you have given me hope of a future. You give me reminders everyday why I need to keep fighting. I promise to keep fighting!

20 Days

Juice day 20

20 days are behind us. We have done really well. The results are awesome. Scott is below 200 and a very happy and amzingly hot man! I am in the 130s and loving it. I am two pounds from my, "I will not get over this number goal"!

Juicing has been challenging at times but over all not too bad. The first few days were very challenging. Now it is not as bad. The crazy hunger is gone. Cravings have subsided. The food I have consumed doesn't taste the same anymore. The detox has happened. I am beyond thrilled about that. Detoxing was the main reason we chose to do this. If you can get the bad items detoxed from your body, you will loose cravings for crap food. So the vegetarian diet is easier when you detox.

If anybody asked me if they should do this my answer would be, Hell ya!! It feels so good to be free from crappy food. Food that makes you feel bad. It is like a drug, you feel good while you are doing it but when it is over you have huge regret. When you choose to eat and live a healthy life you feel invincible.

For me a few pounds lost builds me up to high levels. My confidence is back. I feel better. I feel like I love my husband differently. I feel attractive again, like the girl he fell in love with. My energy level is higher. Although I have not been able to work out I don't feel exhausted from doing nothing like I did two weeks ago. My mood is much better. I am not the crabby mama I was. Although, Jameson might disagree after our morning fight! All it took was a two week detox to feel good again! Love it!

In a couple days Scott and I will be heading to Colorado for a week. We will be away from our Vitamix so we will be taking a break from juicing. We are going to hit up the Whole Foods juice bar as much as possible but we will have events and meeting with friends where we will have to consume food. I am sure our tummys will hate us. We are hoping to avoid bad food as much as possible. It will be a challenge but being Vegan before makes this an easy challenge. We know what is out there to eat. Although limited when you don't pick the eatery, every restaurant has options. Plus CO has a lot of great health food places! I love that state and am so excited to spend the week with my love.

We plan on continuing the juice journey for another month when we get home. I expect to loose a few more pounds and also expect to put some back on when we start eating again. Which is why I have a weight that I will not go over. With a good diet and exercise it is very doable. Just can't be stupid about it.

My health is better. I am hoping my diet will help me continue to be healthy. I have encountered more issues in my lifetime than I care to admit. I believe I am a stronger person because of those obstacles but I am ready for a smooth road. I am also ready to do whatever it takes to stay healthy. My hope is that people will read this and choose to live a healthy lifestyle for the sole purpose to be healthy. I wish I would have lived this way my whole life than maybe I wouldn't have faced the health scares that I faced. We should not have to have the shit scared out of us to make a change. One day I will listen to my own advice. My hope that the time is now for me. I don't want to go back to unhealthy not ever!

The End is Near...

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

I read this verse today. I needed this verse. Today was quite possible one of the most painful days I have ever had. I am sick of pain. I am sick of puking. I am sick of being laid up. I am sick of feeling weak.

My life is not what I want it to be right now. My body hates me. I have battled with this problem for over 3 years now. It never gets easier. It hurts.

Weakness is something I despise. I feel so weak right now.

So today I prayed for strength and better health. I prayed that I can run with my husband again. That we can go for long walks on the beach like we used to. I prayed that the pain would go away and I could live a normal life again.

After praying I opened up the bible and found this verse. It is perfect in so many ways. It brightened my day!

Boy, I needed my day a little brighter! I went to the Dr today. I had a procedure done that was quite possibly the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It should relieve my issue in a few days. So I am praying the pain is worth it. My weekend will be full of pain but should be better and I should be running again by Wednesday. At least that is what they told me.

I had hope in the Lord, that he will give me strength. That He will take my pain away and give me my life back. That He will let me run and not grow weary.

So this weekend I will remain on limited bed rest and fight the pain. I will look up to Him for strength when I am weak.

Only a few days of pain before me than my life may be back to normal.