They Just Want Their Mom....

Big Blue eyes filled with tears on her way out of the door because she is sorry she got mad at me.


 Spiked hair little boy peering around the corner to check to see if I am awake. Then comes over and hugs me and tells me he is ready for me to stop being sick and he is sorry for being so mad at me.

 Black Hair beauty comes into my room with a mocha I requested because she loves me and takes care of me.

 Three wonderful kids that care about me and how I feel. Three wonderful kids that are taking care of their mama because their mama can't take care of them. These three super stars have gone through so much. They do things for me that I should be doing for them.

Most of the time they do things without being asked. Like yesterday afternoon when my legs hurt so bad I couldn't walk and my head was spinning so much I couldn't sit up. The two littles were home early from school. They ate their lunch at the counter picked up the mess and then went and played quietly in their rooms. I didn't even know they were home. Jess came home did a load of laundry, entertained Jillian, did homework, made sure everyone ate dinner, and made me a mocha. Basically kept the house running until Scott got home from work. This is how they roll everyday when I am having a bad day.

 Somedays the little ones get emotional. Jameson gets mad at me because he wants his mama back. He doesn't want to go to practice by himself again. Yesterday when he wrapped his arms around me he started to cry. It was heart braking to say the least. He said that he was sorry for being bad and he just wants all of this to be over. So do I buddy, so do I. Jillian crys all the time. She puts the weight of the world on her shoulders, so when things are bad she gets very upset. Her heart hurts. She has said the saddest things to me. The other day in the car she told me that if something happened to me and she had to choose whether to get a new mom or not have a mom at all she would rather just not have a mom because I am the best mom and there could never be another one like me. My 8 year old should not think this way. My kids should not have the emotions they have now.

 Jess is the strong one. She holds everything together until Scott gets home. She asks little questions and just floats. She makes me laugh when I am feeling the worst. She is my comic relief. I saw fear in her eyes when I first told her what was going on. Since that day she has been my mini me doing the things I would do if I felt better. She is amazing. I owe her big and I am sure she will hold me to that when this is all over.

 Yesterday, I was reminded that I am not the only one fighting this fight. It takes a whole army to win a war and my three kids have stepped up to the front line. They got put into a position that they didn't ask for. They are my heros.  I am learning to love a little stronger, hug a little longer, and listen more intently to those three. They are the light of my life and would do anything to have a healthy mom again. I promise one day soon they will have that. I will be the mom they need and deserve.

 Jessie, Jameson, and Jillian- I love you three more than you will ever know. You guys have been amazing through all of this. There is no way I could be this strong if it wasn't for you. I am sorry that you are sad, and scared, it breaks my heart to see you guys cry. I promise I will be fine. I am not ready to leave you. We have a lot of great things in store for us. God has his hand on our backs and is going to give us a huge rainbow at the end of this storm.

 Gracefully I look up....

One Step forward, A Few Steps Back.....

Some days are good some days are bad.  I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff holding on to a positive attitude but it is slowly slipping out of my hand. I am gripping onto it with all my might but my hand can't seem to keep it's grasp. Some days I hold strong, other days I let the positive in me fall. Letting it plunge to the ground.

Last week I got a phone call that made me let go of the positive attitude faster than I have ever let it go. My phone rang and the nurse on the other end let me know that I was not done with treatment. I was done with my rounds of tumor injections but was not done with another type of medication they were giving me. My heart sank and I cried. I cried for about an hour before calling Scott and than crying to him. I didn't want more medicine. I was finally feeling better. I hadn't thrown up in days. My energy level was increasing. Mentally I was on a high, and in one phone call it was all gone.

Chemo is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It is like a sick joke. It screws with you both mentally and physically. Somedays you feel like you are over it. Like you are better. Then...BAM you are so sick you can't even leave your bed.

So when the nurse told me I needed more medication I knew the roller coaster ride was not over. I knew I was in for more sickness. Instead of leaping forward I was falling back. I didn't want to be sick anymore. I don't want my son to be mad at me because I can't get off the couch. I don't want my little girl to tell me things like there is no one like you and mom you are irreplaceable. I don't want my oldest to keep feeling like she needed to keep the house up because I can't. I don't want my husband to feel guilty because I am home sick and he has to go to work. I just want to live.

So I came up with a strategy. I wiped my tears and decided even though I was going to be physically sick but I was not going to loose it mentally. I was not going to let this get me down. So on Wednesday when I walk into the chemo room to get my medicine I got all the negative out as the medication was injected. It was the first time that I didn't throw up while the fluids filled my veins. This was a big deal for me. In fact I felt so good that the next day I got up and ran 4 miles and than the next day ran 8 miles. The weekend was good. I started to feel tired but I was pushing through it.

Than Monday morning came and so did the biggest Mac truck I have ever seen. That sucker hit me hard. I didn't leave my bed all day. Every bone in my body hurt, I threw up all morning long. I was defeated. I couldn't believe that I was sick. I was beyond upset. How could I feel fine and then feel that sick so fast? It didn't make sense. I e-mailed a friend and fellow cancer survivor. I am sure I ruined her whole day with my rant. I just didn't get it. She helped me understand. She was a blessing to me with her response.

I needed to vent to someone who really gets this. I have great friends and a great support system but I needed words from a friend that has rode on this roller coaster. Someone I could lay it all to. I was starting to get angry with the advise people were giving me. I know that is not nice but I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like shit and I was angry. I needed someone who understood my anger and she did. I needed someone who understood my sickness and she did.

She built me back up mentally. I read that e-mail, took my medicine, and took a very restful nap. I woke up feeling much better. One e-mail and I was back on the up and up. Venting was good for me. Having a friend that understands helps me.

Never in my life would I have thought I could feel the way I do right now. I never knew tired until now. I never knew sick like I know now. I never knew defeat like I do now. This is a challenging time for me. I am a control freak and I have no control. So I am giving in and letting go. Chemo will control me for a little while longer and I am going to let it. I am going to rest when I am tired. I am going to run when I feel good. I will let my housework fall behind when I feel sick. I will let my kids eat whatever they want until I can cook again. That one e-mail help me realize that this is OK. It is OK to feel this way.

One phone call broke me down, and one e-mail build me back up. It is just how this ride is going to be. I am thankful for the prayers that have been said. I am hanging on to my faith stronger than ever. I am thankful that this ride will end. The end is near, until than I need to keep my faith that everyday isn't going to suck!

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

Another Day Closer to Normal....

Woke up a few times during the night with extreme pain in my stomach. Pain in areas that are suppose to be shutting down. Looks as though my body parts are as stubborn as I am. They are fighting back and are not wanting to shut down! Called the Doctor and this is normal. In fact they could give me an end time to all this pain.

Medicine is weird. This treatment does a lot of weird things to me. The inside of my mouth and throat are peeling. This is known to the medical community as thrush. My hands look like red spider webs have formed on my palms. My neck and face will turn bright red at a moments notice and feel like it is on fire. Half of my face feels numb 90% of the day and from time to time so does my tongue. My ear hurt the other day for no reason at all. Nausea and extreme exhaustion, well that is just something that has become part of my everyday and now stomach pain.

See all weird stuff and that is only some of it. My everyday is a hypochondriacs dream. Everyday a new medical issue. Haha hypochondriacs my stuff is real! I am so lucky!!!!

I am actually extremely lucky. Every weird side effect is a sign that the medication is working. Another reason I feel very lucky is that it looks like I am going to avoid one of the most common side effect of chemo and that is hair loss. Looks like I am not going to loose all of my hair. To some that is not a big deal. For me it was a big deal. I want to get through this with no signs that I had cancer. Hair loss lasts longer than the cancer sometimes. I know all of that sounds really bad, but that is honestly how I feel.

See we are moving to another state in a couple of months. Most people in our squadron won't know that I have gone through this and I like it that way. I don't want to walk into the change of command ceremony with little to no hair and have everyone whisper about me. I don't want that sympathy look. I want them to like me not because I am sick but because I am Tara. Cancer defines you and I don't want it too.

Cancer has given me a strength inside that I never knew I had. An urge to fight when I am at my absolute weakest. There are days like today that I just want to curl up in a corner and cry. I hurt. I don't feel good. Staying in PJs and not washing my hair for days is easy. Getting dressed and living through the pain and sickness takes work and requires a lot of strength. I never would have thought that getting ready everyday would be like running an ultra marathon and somedays that is exactly what it is like.  I do it because cancer is not going to win. It is not going to define me anymore. This time cancer can kiss my @#$. I am done with it.

Side Effects Are Not My Friend....

Today is shaping up to be a hard day. The medication is kicking in full force and my body isn't loving it. I am going to do my very best to enjoy my life from the couch. Yesterday I was able to watch the dead tree that I have been starring at for so long finally come down. After that spectacular show the girls and I were able to watch a rocket carrying a satellite launch into space. That was an amazing sight that we viewed while sitting in our driveway. Jameson got a closer view with some great friends of ours. I am sure today will be equally as exciting!

I am thankful that these side effects will be coming to an end very soon. Yesterday was the best day I have had in a long time, knowing that I don't have to have anymore medication put in me is a good feeling. The Doctors said I should be back to my normal rock star self,  back to 100% in about a month in a half.

I am going to get through today thankful that everyday is going to be better from here on out.

Treatment Day....DONE

For the last 4 months I have been scanned, poked and prodded, hooked up to IVs, and basically treated like a lab rat. Today was the last of it for a little while. Well the last of the treatments that is. The treatment the Doctors choose to give me ended today. No more medication can be given. Now we just wait and let it do it's Magic. Praying everyday that it is killing off the bad stuff.

I am feeling the side effects of the medication now, so I need to cut this short. I promise more later but for now I am going to rest and hope I feel better soon.

Thank you all for the support and love. Your phone calls and messages have really lifted my spirits.

Wasn't Ready to Share...

For the past couple of months I have been in huge denial. I went to the Doctor heard what they said and went home and kept living. Didn't really talk about what was being done or what was being said. I had a few conversations with Scott, but other than that I just kept on keeping on. In fact I didn't say what was going on out loud until last week when I started typing it out on Facebook and on my blog.

I am incredibly thankful for social networking during this time. I would much rather type out what is going on then say it out loud. Typing it out makes it less real to me. This helps my stage of denial a little more. It helps me float when I am sinking. 

When my phone rang this weekend my cancer became more real. The folks on the other end of the line... My parents. Yep, I kept this minor issue I have going on in my life from my own parents. I let them read it on my blog and Facebook like the rest of the world. Not one of my best decisions. Also not something one really wants to pick up the phone and tell your mom and dad. I couldn't make my vocal cords form the words, "I have cancer". So I typed it. Until Saturday I am not quite sure I have said it out loud. Telling the people that love you more than life itself that you have cancer is hard. So I locked it up and didn't talk about it. I didn't talk about it with friends, my own kids, or my family. 

I am regretting that decision. My poor dad found out about my issue from a co worker at work. Fortunately the co worker is an amazing woman who was going to my dad as a support system and friend.  I am sure she was as shocked as my dad was when she found out my dad was unaware of this issue. I am 99.9% sure daughter of the year was just taken away from me. I feel very bad that this was how my parents found out their daughter has cancer again. This news hurt them. My parents would give me the world and I denied them the ability to support me and that wasn't fair.

Not that I can really justify not telling them but I can try... Right? This whole process and diagnosis has been a whirlwind. It has gone from getting a bunch of tests done to getting the treatment to fix it. I don't really even remember the part where the diagnosis was revealed. I just remember getting phone calls directing me with the next steps. I followed the steps and continue to follow them. Part of my mind knows that most of the treatment is what should have been done the first time I had cancer. So in my little mind this cancer isn't new it is still the old stuff hanging around and making itself a home and other parts of my body. So old news isn't new news.... right? You don't have to share old news or at least that is what I thought. The truth is this is new. This cancer did stem from my old stuff but it is in a new form so it is new. I should let the people that love me know this news. I should have called them and told them. 

I talked to my parents for an hour. I heard sadness, fear, love and support in their voices. They listened to me cry and heard my fears out loud. They built me up. I should have called them. I should have told them I was sick again. I need their support. How can they support me if they don't know? 

I am sorry to everyone that cares about me. I am sorry that I didn't share my news with you all. It has been harder for me than I thought it would be. This is not something I want to be going through again. I am trying very hard to stay strong. The second time around has been a bit harder than the first. I am ready to be cancer free. I am ready to live a normal life. Ready to have only good news to share.